5 Methods to Know When to Go away After Infidelity | Mitzi Bockmann

Knowing when to leave after infidelity is very important.

The trauma of discovering infidelity is devastating, leaving you with confused thoughts and not knowing how to move on. As a result, you may make decisions that are not in your best interests, decisions that can delay your recovery.

Be on the lookout for signs that let you know it’s time to go away to make sure the infidelity doesn’t affect the rest of your life.

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Here are 5 ways to know when to step away from infidelity.

1. The fraudster refuses to take ownership.

Do they refuse to take responsibility for what they did? Are they telling you that it wasn’t a big deal, that it happened once, that the sex wasn’t very good, and that you should just get over it?

Is your partner who cheated on you blaming you for what he did? Are they telling you that if only you had been nicer or had more sex with them or gave them more freedom, they would never have cheated?

If a cheater is unwilling to admit that he has broken the boundaries of your relationship and caused you tremendous pain, it is definitely time to walk away.

Someone who is unwilling to take responsibility for cheating is someone who could very well cheat again. They don’t believe it was their fault, and so they might see cheating as something to do again.

2. The scammer refuses to talk about what happened.

Now that you know about the affair, you have many questions about what happened.

You probably want to know why it happened, how it happened, and all the important details so that you can take care of everything. You may think that if you only had more information, you could understand everything.

When you approach your partner to talk about the infidelity, does he lock you up? Do they refuse to talk about it and suggest that you pretend it didn’t happen and move on?

Do they scream and scream when you try to ask questions and tell you that you are stupid to even ask?

An important part of infidelity survival is communication. It is important that your person is honest with you and is ready to talk about what happened.

Don’t ask too many questions. Wanting clarity about what brought you to this place but knowing too many details will ultimately be detrimental.

One of my clients requested that her husband show her all text messages between him and his lover. She regrets it.

She saw things she could never forget, things that caused her a lot more pain and that stayed with her as they tried to process this and beyond. They got divorced.

So keep that in mind if you want to work this through for the future and maybe come out intact on the other side.

3. The cheater is not ready to change.

An important part of surviving infidelity is realizing the need for change – in the relationship, the perspective, and with the fact that things will be different in the future.

It is important to take a look at the relationship and what is missing in it. It is important to discuss how things can be done differently in the future. And it’s important to define boundaries that you may need to process what happened.

After finding out that my ex had cheated on, I asked for therapy so we could come to terms with what had happened. I wasn’t sure if I would forgive him, but I wanted to try.

He said he was leaving, but only so “we can move on”. He wasn’t ready to make changes – he wanted me to accept what had happened and move my head in the sand like an ostrich.

I haven’t forgiven him. We did not “go any further” after his betrayal. His unwillingness to make changes, see what we could do differently, and fight for our relationship – those were the main signs for me that I was leaving.

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4. You cannot recover from self-esteem.

Be honest. Ever since you learned that your partner was cheating, have you been really tough on yourself?

Do you blame yourself for what happened? Do you feel like an idiot for missing the signs? Are you questioning everything about yourself – your body, your hair, your eyes, your brain, etc.?

This happens after one has been betrayed. You feel less than in any way. Why should someone cheat on you? It can only be because you’re not good enough, right?

When I found out my ex was cheating, it threw me into a darkness I’d never seen before. I questioned everything I thought I knew about myself.

I was sure that I would never love or be loved again because I wasn’t worth it. I was sure that I would never survive the pain of what had happened.

But after a while, my self-esteem recovered. I found joy in life again by doing volunteer work and getting my real estate certificate. I started dating and discovered that I was actually adorable.

I realized what had happened in my relationship and took full responsibility for my role in it. I healed.

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If I had stayed in the relationship after the infidelity, I would never have been able to strengthen my self-esteem.

I think if I had been reminded every day of what had happened if I had compromised my principles, I would have just sunk deeper into this dark place and relived what had happened over and over again.

So, if you find that your self-esteem is at rock bottom and not recovering, it may be time to walk away after the infidelity. Your self-esteem is the key to your happiness and if it stays in this dark place you may never get it back.

5. Forgiveness is not an option.

Do you find it impossible to forgive yourself for what happened and move on?

I have a client whose wife could never forgive him for what had happened, no matter how hard he tried to come to terms with it. And although she refused to forgive him, she also refused to leave the marriage.

As a result, they had 10 more years of misery together.

Imagine what would have happened if this woman left the relationship because she couldn’t forgive her person.

If, instead of hurting herself every time she looked at him, instead of holding onto her grudge for ten years, if she’d just walked away after being infidelity, she might have had a chance to find love and happiness instead of in one unhappy wither wedding.

If you can’t forgive the person for what they did, then it’s time to walk away. Staying will only cause you more pain and prevent you from finding your happiness.

Knowing when to go away after an infidelity can be really hard, but it’s an important part of keeping going, either with your partner or alone.

And it’s fine. You may feel like you will never be happy again and never trust anyone again.

But in time you will be able to find happiness and love and live happily as you always wished.

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Mitzi Bockmann is a NYC-based, certified life and love coach. Let them help you find and keep love in this crazy world we live in. Send her an email at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and get started!

This article was originally published on Let Your Dreams Begin. Reprinted with the permission of the author.

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