After the affair, overcome infidelity

According to a recent research study by Dr. Nicholas H. Wolfinger will have a cheater one in five marriages by the age of 55.

Similar to a bridge, when a marriage breaks, there is an error in the material or in the workmanship. A bad marriage is not the cause of the matter; it exposes the marriage’s weakness. Matters come in all shapes and sizes. While there is no one-size-fits-all solution, these steps can not only save your marriage, but also strengthen it.

5 tips for the cheated person.

  • Own it without guilt.
  • Identify how it happened and what you would do to stop it.
  • Complete transparency. where you are (tracker) what you do. No passwords on the phone, computer, etc.
  • If the despised lover extends his hand, let your spouse know as soon as possible before answering.
  • Find a qualified therapist with experience in infidelity to guide you through the process. There are a ton of things you can do to make things worse, even if you think you are trying to make things better.

5 tips for the cheated person.

  • Although you are not responsible for someone else’s behavior, you have influence. Identify what you did or didn’t do in your marriage that weakened the marital bond. Take ownership of this part.
  • Frequently check location, as well as texts, emails, etc. Sometimes you don’t want to, but having data is important even if the scammer was more cautious and secretive, using hidden apps or email accounts to communicate. How the cheater reacts when held accountable for where he has been and what he has done can also expose him.
  • Be ready for layers of truth. Often times the truth comes out in layers. This does not make it okay, knowing that the cleaning is done gradually will help you keep your sanity.
  • Surround yourself with people who you trust and who love you. You’re going to feel crazy, you need a safe place to fall apart and still get grounded.
  • Find a qualified therapist who specializes in adultery to guide you through the process.

Although adultery can be the final blow to a marriage that ends in divorce, dealing with the issues that reveal the marriage’s weaknesses can attract the attention necessary to make the marriage better than ever.

In addition to these 5 tips, it is important to learn two types of communication skills: 1) expectation management communication and 2) conflict management. As you learn how to share thoughts, feelings, opinions, and behaviors, you need to manage expectations and create greater connectedness. However, even with the best of intentions, the conflict will arise, so we need tools to solve problems. When couples go through the humiliating process of self-exploration and vulnerability combined with learning communication skills, the connections after an affair can be stronger than ever before.

More information is available at or in Emil’s book “You Can Turn Conflicts Into Nearby”.

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