Are some reactions to infidelity unacceptable?

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I recently received an email from a man who had cheated on his wife and was reading my book Out of the Doghouse as part of his attempt to repair his relationship. In this book, I spend a lot of time helping cheating husbands understand the concept of betrayal trauma so they can understand the emotional rollercoaster ride their betrayed wives seem to be riding. What this person wanted to know, however, is how to tell if their cheating partner has crossed the line from hurt to hurtful — how to know when their cheating partner has moved beyond a trauma reaction and become abusive.

Acceptable responses to treason

After learning about infidelity, cheating partners usually find themselves on an emotional roller coaster. In response, they tend to seek safety and/or emotional escape through one or more (usually several) of the following behaviors. It’s important to understand that these behaviors don’t drive cheating spouses crazy or mean or nasty. It simply shows the level of trauma they experienced related to the scam.

Common trauma reactions from betrayed partners include:

• detective work: Check phone bills, browsing history, text messages, apps, emails, etc.
• mood swings: Sad one minute, angry the next, and loving, loving, or even sexual the next.
• Shame: Blaming yourself for your decision to cheat may overcompensate by losing weight or increasing irritability.
• Mistrust: Question everything you do and say. In fact, they can question everything you’ve ever said or done.
• Control: Micromanaging your money, your free time, your work life, etc.
• Obsessive Questions: Wanting to know every little detail about the scam and not taking no for an answer.
• Avoidance: Avoid thinking or talking about the betrayal.
• inconsistency: Often this manifests as alternating between obsessive questioning and avoidance.
• Stun: Escape the pain of betrayal with drinking, drugs, spending money, etc.

While none of these behaviors are fun for a cheating partner, they are normal and expected of even a cheating partner. Given the circumstances, these actions are neither abusive nor inappropriate. Cheating men should therefore accept these behaviors for what they are — a reaction to trauma they inflicted — rather than getting upset or overly defensive and fighting back.

Unacceptable reactions to treason

Not every reaction to infidelity is acceptable. There are lines that cheating partners, no matter how hurtful the betrayal, simply shouldn’t cross. And scammers can and should place limits around such behavior (if such limits are necessary). These unacceptable reactions to betrayal trauma include:

• Physical Violence: This includes hitting, pushing, slapping, spitting, banging on walls, throwing things, breaking things, slamming doors, etc.
• turn people against you: This type of behavior is especially abusive and especially unacceptable when the people being flipped are your children or other family members.
• Make public: Tell your boss, co-workers, neighbors, social media, the press, or others what you did.
• Verbal insult: This includes verbal abuse, yelling and yelling, and belittling your humanity by saying things like, “You don’t deserve to live.”
• Emotional or physical threats: The threat of divorce, the threat of child removal, the threat of violence, or the threat of using suicide as a weapon. (If someone is truly suicidal, please call 911 or The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800.273.8255 immediately.)

Simply put, there are behavioral responses to betrayal that are acceptable and behavioral responses that are unacceptable. Yes, cheating partners will be incredibly angry, and they will be suspicious, and they will overreact to seemingly small issues. They will also seek information, control, and emotional escape from their pain.

All of these behaviors are acceptable responses to betrayal, and cheating partners simply need to sit back and accept that no matter how uncomfortable or exciting these behaviors are, their decision to cheat is the root cause. However, when a cheating partner behaves in a way that causes a cheating partner to fear for their physical or emotional well-being, or the well-being of those around them, especially their children, they should not just sit back and take it. Instead, they should politely explain that the cheating partner’s actions have crossed a line and that for safety reasons they need to set and implement some healthy boundaries. This is usually best done with the help of an experienced couples therapist. To find a therapist near you, visit Psychology Today’s Therapist Directory.