Are you dishonest emotionally? The right way to acknowledge the sort of infidelity

One night when my husband and I were in bed, I laughed out loud at something someone had written to me.

“Who are you talking to?” he asked.

“Oh, just Laura,” I said, tilting the phone so he could see the screen.

“Who is Laura?” he asked.

“I work with her.”

Except that “Laura” wasn’t Laura at all. “Laura” was actually a Simon. To avoid my husband asking me why I was texting another man all day, I entered his name on my phone as a woman.

Sounds dodgy, doesn’t it? Are you trying to keep a secret from my husband? But what if I told you that Simon and I had never touched? No sex, no kissing. None of them. Would that still be so wrong?

Well, and why I will explain more later.

I had filed for divorce from my husband three months earlier after I found out he had stolen his job, but he and I were now in this weird phase of being together. We were still preparing to get a divorce, but we still shared a bed. He wasn’t wearing his wedding ring.

I would ask myself every day, will I stay or will I go? I didn’t know, and because I didn’t know, I just went through the motions of our life together.

Then Simon came into the picture. He had been a work colleague for years, but after we went on a work trip together I learned a lot about him, which I liked. We started texting after work. He made me read books, and when I was angry with my husband, I sought consolation from him.

While my marriage had been slowly dying for months, it bit the dust as soon as this affair began. Simon and I didn’t touch a single time before my official breakup, but it was still an affair.

If you’re curious about whether your relationship is an emotional one, look out for these signs:

1. You tell the outsider things you don’t tell your partner (think intimate, personal things).
2. You feel more irritable towards your partner after connecting with the outside person.
3. You turn to the external person for comfort.
4. You start to wish your partner was more like the outside person.
5. They are trying to prevent your partner from seeing SMS or emails between you and the outside person (remember the name change on my phone earlier?).
6. You want less sex or more sex. When you are having sex, think about the outside person while you are having sex.
7. You stop communicating with your partner beyond simply sharing information (“I have to take Bobby to school” vs. “I was mad at my boss today.”)
8. You feel that your relationship with the outside person is an “escape”.
9. When your partner asks you about your relationship with the outside person, you become defensive.
10. You say inappropriate things to outsiders, whether it be talking about sex, saying “I miss you,” or calling them nicknames.

Emotional affairs can creep into even the happiest of relationships. While some are started strategically, they mostly consist of many small unconscious boundary deviations. What began as “friendship” slowly becomes more important than the romantic until it completely replaces this in meaning.

In my situation, I was hurt and vulnerable when someone stepped into my life who showed me a lot of kindness and attention. It didn’t take long before I realized I needed this in the face of the pain of my dissolving marriage.

There is a marked difference between emotional affairs and friendships, and it all has to do with boundaries. If you are still unsure, here are some things to keep in mind:

Am I sharing too much with this outside person? Am I sharing intimate details of my relationship with that other person that my partner doesn’t even know about? Am I getting something from this external person that I am not getting from my partner?

How do I feel when I’m around her? Did I wish something more physical?

If my partner saw the interactions between me and this friend, how would he feel? What if they hear or read our conversations? Would they be uncomfortable? Would you feel hurt or betrayed?

How would you feel if you found out that your partner has an outside person in their life who is as preoccupied with your outside person as you are? Hurt? Betray?

Potential or near-affairs (sometimes referred to as emotional affairs) are always signs that something is wrong. It could be because your relationship needs to end, as it was with mine, or it could be a sign that something needs to be addressed in your partnership or within yourself.

If you want to stay in your committed relationship, it is important to remain aware of your limits and not subconsciously slide yourself into something that you are not prepared to follow.

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This post was previously published on The Virago.

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