Dear Amy, almost 20 years ago when my husband and I were only 19 years old he cheated on me.
Twenty years later, I still find it difficult to trust him. Will I ever be able to trust him – or will I always feel that way? What can i do to trust him?
I feel like I have some form of PTSD. He says he was young and made a mistake, but is that even a legitimate excuse? He apologized so many times.
I just don’t know what to do. I want to live freely. It’s so time consuming to worry about him and try to track him down.
I keep accusing him of things that turn out to be nothing.
We have five children together and he is a wonderful father and husband.
I know I’ll regret it later if I don’t get it together now.
How should I handle it?
– Suspicious
Dear Suspect, Twenty years is an extremely long time for you to live in a “high alert” state and for your husband to tolerate your persistent and very intrusive and unfounded allegations.
It is proof of your mutual commitment – and a miracle – that your marriage survived.
Constant rumination cripples your problem-solving skills, distracts you from positively nurturing your relationships, can affect your physical health, and is very time-consuming overall. Her husband was forced to respond to your compulsions and accusations. And I suppose you are exhausted from it.
A psychologist could diagnose you with an obsessive ruminant disorder that can be triggered by PTSD. You may be introduced to mindfulness training, which is basically a technique of purposefully and consciously withdrawing your mind into the present when obsessed. They will retrain your brain to refocus and eventually your brain will refocus without your prompting.
In addition, I am sure that you would benefit from “talk therapy”.
Why were you so traumatized by an event that many others process it and recover from it? Understanding this topic will be life changing for you. Insight and self-knowledge bring you into a new relationship with yourself, your husband, and your children.
Dear Amy, I have been divorced for four years and share custody of my 10 year old daughter with my ex-wife.
I am unlikely to get back together with my ex-wife.
My ex and I are co-parents and of course it’s not entirely smooth, but it works.
I’ve been with my girlfriend for a year now and she says I should unfriend my ex-wife on Facebook. I rarely use Facebook and have nothing to hide from my girlfriend or anyone else.
I feel like my ex-wife “doesn’t follow” on Facebook if she is removed from my Facebook feed.
If I make my ex-wife “more unfriendly”, will my girlfriend insist that I also make her family members more unfriendly?
I feel like if I posted a picture of our child on Facebook there is no reason for her mom or her mom’s family NOT to see it.
Can you help me resolve this post divorce social media problem?
– Socially challenged
Dear Challenger: You don’t need my help navigating social media because you do. However, I wonder why your girlfriend is so threatened by this social media contact. You should ask her.
There are many completely valid reasons to unfollow, unfriend, or block someone across social media platforms.
Aside from the generally sensible reasons for maintaining a breakup on social media, many people also choose to use platforms as cudgels when they are angry, break up, or simply want to punish someone with a “block” or “unfriendliness.” .
You and your ex seem to have a pretty amiable relationship. You have successfully raised your child. You are transparent and have taken a rational approach to social media.
In short, your friend cannot control how you lead your (successful) relationship with your ex-wife and her family.
Dear Amy, “Hopeful” didn’t want her fiancé’s boyfriend to come to her wedding because he had not respected her in the past.
She does not need to invite anyone, nor should she be expected to invite anyone who has shown such contempt. And a man who would invite someone who calls his fiancé “sloppy seconds” has no respect for his partner or himself.
– Dalal
Dear Dalal, one wonders why the fiancé loved to invite him.
You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy at PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.
Comments are closed.