Ask Amy: Sexual infidelity causes problems

Dear Amy, my husband is almost 70 years old. He is a doorman in a residential building. I just found out he’s joking with other women who have been working in the building for nearly 20 years.

We live close to where he works so everyone knows he’s married. He says it means nothing – that it’s just “free loot in the elevator”. He doesn’t want to break our marriage and said he would die without me. He comes home right after work and says he is very happy in our marriage and I am trying to stay in the marriage.

I am under medical care and am trying to deal with it. He won’t change and I know he will never leave me!

What kind of woman will accept this kind of relationship?

Sad woman: I can imagine wanting to stay in a long marriage in which there is a huge emotional investment. There are also valid practical reasons for staying in a marriage. However, not only is your husband not repentant about his prey calls in the elevator, but in your opinion, he lacks the intention and ability to change.

I do not agree with you. Each of us is able to change with the right motivation. You should provide him with this motivation.

Her husband is shabby and unethical at work. His behavior could (and should) cause him to lose his job. Aside from your anger and feelings of betrayal, you are surely recalibrating your personal assessment of him. He should be given clear instructions about his options. He should also agree to meet with you and a professional advisor.

While you are working at work, consider increasing your presence in his professional life. If available, you may want to bring him coffee at unexpected times and do your own unannounced elevator inspections.

Dear Amy, I am a 53 year old man engaged to a wonderful woman who is a few years younger. She is honest, sweet and attractive. She has a goodness few others have.

My problem is that even though I love her, I’m not in love with her. We haven’t been intimate for a long time because I just don’t see her that way. Instead, I sought and found intimacy with others.

These other women only met one need. But about a year ago I met someone who was special. She knows my fiancé and pressured me to break off the engagement. But I can’t find the way to end it because I know it would destroy my fiancée.

She’s way too nice and cute to get hurt this way. We’ve talked about not being intimate and I apologize (like fabricated medical problems that cause impotence).

How should I handle it?

– Confused in Pittsburgh

Stunned in Pittsburgh: There’s an old saying, “The truth will set you free.” Well, in that case, the truth will set your fiancee free. And honestly, of the two of you, she’s the one I’m worried about.

I often suggest scripts that can be used as blueprints for challenging conversations. Here’s yours: “Honey, I’m a lying, skeevy horny dog. I do not deserve you. I know people say that a lot, but in this case it’s really true. I really don’t deserve you. “

Tell her what you’re up to. Then apologize to her, to anyone who has actual sexual dysfunction (whose illness you made fun of), and to anyone who may have misled you sexually and perhaps emotionally in order to meet your own needs. You should also suggest that your fiancee get tested for sexually transmitted diseases.

If you want to make it easier for her, don’t sugarcoat it. Tell her everything. Your relief to be done with you will ease their devastation.

Dear Amy, I hope you are reminding women whose husbands cannot be monogamous that they should be tested for sexually transmitted diseases from time to time.

This would be a really valuable public announcement.

Williamsburg Nurse: I agree that anyone in a sexual relationship should be tested for sexually transmitted diseases, whether or not they suspect their partner is cheating. Thank you for this healthy reminder.

2020 by Amy Dickinson, distributed by Tribune Content Agency

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