Ask Ellie: “Monetary infidelity” is simply as damaging to the connection as sexual infidelity

Dear Ellie: When I got married, my husband said that he would take care of our common finances. We both earned similarly good salaries at the time.

Dear Elli: When I got married, my husband said that he would take care of our common finances. We both earned similarly good salaries at the time.

He said we should only keep enough money for daily needs and he would save the rest for us. I got pregnant early in the marriage and was glad he got the household bills, etc.

He always said we were “fine” and bought a new car and expensive suits for work.

Seven years and two children later, I started asking questions, insisted on looking at his records, and hired my own lawyer and accountant.

I found that my husband had privately invested much of our joint earnings in investments only on his behalf. He also gave “our” money to his brother, who invested in high-risk stocks and lost most of it.

The two brothers also started a company on their mother’s behalf that allowed them to buy some condos while I was denied the home repairs we needed.

We broke up.

How can someone who has sworn their love for me be so devious, mean and indifferent to how they influence me and our children for the future?

Lost savings, lost marriage

In a consumerist society that thrived even online during a pandemic, there are those who are “spendthrifts” at heart and those who are confirmed “savers”. It is a trait that is often instilled in people as young as 10 and is either similar to or different from what we saw in our childhood.

Later, when financial opposites get married, they can make a natural compromise or maintain a shared management of money.

In your case, your husband has committed what is known as “financial infidelity”.

It’s a phrase from Carrie Casden, a California-based financial wellness coach, and means that messing around with a partner’s money is as much a cause of suspicion and lasting damage to the relationship as it is sexual infidelity.

During the pandemic, wellness coaches have been helping people with increasing psychological stress related to money. So I contacted Casden about her almost 30 years as a manager for private customers.

After studying psychology and accounting, she has a busy practice and a popular website (carriecasden.com).

While she admits that women and men alike are known to have financially “cheated” on their partner, she has found that more women customers are abandoning their cost and savings oversight, while more men take over financial control (out of good or bad intentions).

In other words, all genders can be held responsible for fraud or flight with Community funds.

Examples: Some women charge for the purchase of unaffordable expensive items and hide them so their mate can pay for them.

Men seem to be more inclined to feel ashamed of not being able to afford a family outing or a personal favorite so that they run into debt or fail to pay their taxes.

But there is legitimate financial help from coaches like Casden and also from online budgeting apps (e.g. mint.com). Users who protect their financial data with very strong passwords have their expenses tracked so there are no surprises.

Casden also believes in only having two credit cards to keep spending under control.

To me, her strongest advice to avoid financial infidelity is: Don’t make financial plans emotionally or alone.

“You wouldn’t start a company without a plan and discussion. Your partner should be the most important person you talk to. “

feedback Regarding the man whose girlfriend accuses him of cheating with an ex whom he thinks is a platonic boyfriend (June 24th):

Reader: I was once the “new friend” in a similar situation. It’s unfair to the new relationship for an ex’s ghost to hang over it. Someone once said, “There were three of us in this marriage”. My advice would be to tell the new friend to move on. “

Ellie: The quote is from Princess Diana, who told journalist Martin Bashir so in a 1995 BBC Panorama Series interview about her marriage to Prince Charles and his ongoing extramarital affair.

Reader 2: I would just invite them. When your girlfriend overreacts, you know that it will happen to other women in your life (e.g. work colleagues).

Or she could discover the truth about the ex and even make friends with her. In addition, the ex would see that you are serious about your new relationship. “

Ellie’s tip of the day

Financial infidelity, which cheats a partner out of their own money, is a warning to couples to settle their finances together and through discussion.

Send relationship questions to ellie@thestar.ca.

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