Friends warned me to not ignore their infidelities

Dear Bunmi

Dear Bunmi,

A few weeks ago I went to a romantic dinner with my girlfriend and found her in bed having sex with another man. I’m 27 and she’s 25. Before that happened, I kind of felt like we were growing apart. When I asked her she didn’t want to tell me what was going on, so I decided to surprise her with dinner at a new restaurant we both admired. I thought we could settle our differences over a romantic evening. But when I entered her apartment, I spotted a man’s jacket and shoes on the sofa.

There was also noise from the bedroom. When I opened the door I was faced with the average man’s worst nightmare – my lover and another man hugged each other – they didn’t even see me! I slammed the door, ran out, and drove away in tears. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. I didn’t hear from her for two days. Then she called and asked if we could talk. She begged me to stop by her apartment and in the end I reluctantly agreed. She had prepared my favorite dish and was all sweet and adorable like nothing happened. She told me she was sorry, but she didn’t realize how much she had hurt me.

After dinner we drank some wine and started to get romantic. We ended up in bed and I have to admit the sex was fantastic. I still love her dearly and think we can get past her cheating. I think it’s still possible to trust her but my friends say I’m crazy to be with her again. What do you think.
Detola, via email.

Dear Detola,
All you got from your cheating girlfriend was a half-hearted apology, and you’re no closer to understanding why she cheated on you. Just because you had great sex afterwards doesn’t mean it’s okay. Why are your friends warning you about dating her again? What do you know that you don’t know?

Trusting her blindly is not enough. She needs to understand your feelings and you need to understand what made her stray. For this to work, you both need to agree to communicate better and be more honest about your feelings. If you act like everything is fine because you’re infatuated with her, she’ll turn on you again and take away your self-esteem.

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