It is the human instinct to seek love or comfort elsewhere when it is lacking at home. When this desire for love overwhelms one’s judgment or willingness to do the “right thing,” they could become involved in illegal affairs.
People often delude themselves into believing that idealized love is outside the realm of fidelity, in a realm just beyond their reach. Perhaps this idealized love really only exists in their imagination or in the thrill of the “forbidden”.
infidelity as escape
In a patriarchal society, women often find themselves in unhappy relationships or marriages. Monogamous relationships require that one end one’s sexual or romantic relationship with one’s partner before committing to another partner. However, the paradox of monogamy is that it is deeply rooted in a heteropatriarchal relationship model that prides itself on its longevity. Women in such relationships rarely have enough cultural or social capital or financial resources to leave them. In a society where women are idealized as pious wives and self-sacrificing mothers, they feel conditioned that their primary responsibility is to keep their families together. In such a situation, simply walking away in search of a happier life is unthinkable for many.
Also read: In Conversation with Kaleeswaram Raj: Decriminalizing Adultery in India
Image source: TheGuardian
In 8th and 9th century India, the bhakti movement had begun as a subversive recourse to the Brahmanic patriarchy’s oppression of the lives of women and people from the lower spectrum of the caste hierarchy. Bhakti poets like Mirabai, Akka Mahadevi left their husbands because they chose God as their lover. Their poetry testifies to their courage to proudly celebrate and claim who they dedicate their bodies and minds to.
In Kamala Das’ autobiography My Story we find that she had no agency when she was married at the age of 15. The love and sexual fulfillment she longed for was not fulfilled by the man who was chosen for her. So she decided to look elsewhere. Though her extramarital affairs often mimicked the structural violence and humiliation of her marriage, she at least found agency in “seeking” or “searching” for love elsewhere.
Feminist Media Need Feminist Allies!
Get premium content, exclusive benefits, and help us stay independent, free, and accessible.
BECOME AN FII MEMBER
Choose your plan!
Does infidelity always arise from helplessness?
It would be simplistic to say that women only commit infidelity out of helplessness. Perhaps some level of helplessness can be attributed to all adult relationships in which individuals are emotionally invested. To objectively rationalize such relationships is often very difficult. Sometimes infidelity occurs because the people involved choose to let emotions take precedence over self-actualization and examining the consequences of their actions. In the end it is always about looking for something that is missing in your own life or in your relationship.
It is possible to view infidelity as a frustrated response to the limitations of monogamy, rather than attaching a moral or social stigma to it. If people were made aware of and conditioned to alternative relationship models such as open sexual relationships and polyamory as opposed to monogamy as the norm, they would make more informed and sensitive choices rather than simply choosing a path of dishonesty.
The dichotomy of “The Other Woman” and “The Woman Left Behind”
According to popular culture, the other woman is a morally corrupt woman who seduces innocent men from their happy relationships, usually for her own benefit. Her characterization often lacks empathy or thoughtful characterization. When we deconstruct the character of the ‘other woman’ we find that she is on the other side of the same woman left behind by her cheating partner. Media stories attempt to pit these women against each other, playing on the dichotomy of the innocent, desexualized woman who suffers and the morally corrupt, hypersexualized woman who makes her suffer. This dichotomy frees men from the harsh judgment normally reserved for “the other woman.”
From a feminist perspective, it can be argued that “the other woman” is an empowered woman who does not need to legitimize her love through the social sanctity of marriage or monogamy. Simply acting on her desires, the woman devotes her life to finding romantic and sexual fulfillment in places beyond her reach.
Also read: Is Infidelity an Institutional Problem?: Monogamy, Ideal Love, and Our Moral View by Gehraiyaan
Image source: Kalinga TV
In Hindu mythology, Radha devotes her life to love and devotion to Krishna, never being pitted against his many lovers. There is no “other woman”. Only women celebrating their love in a polycule. Krishna’s Raas Leela is a celebration of the soul and body where the gopis exercise their agency to love without restraint. Similarly, the baul singers of Bengal celebrate “parakiya prem” or “adultery love” in their twilight language understandable only to those living on the verge of monogamous heteronormativity.
An indication of the error in the system
In a monogamous, heteropatriarchal society, adultery forces a discourse in which a failed marriage implies a failure of the couple to fulfill their social and cultural duty. In retrospect, the infidelity committed by one of the partners represents a fault in their interpersonal relationship rather than a fault in their personality per se.
Adultery laws are still enforced in India to protect women from divorce. Perhaps such a law would have helped them survive at a time when women were denied any say in society and they would have been in a state of hardship if their husbands decided to leave them.
In its socio-cultural context, however, it can easily be argued that the main motive of this law is to protect the heteropatriarchal institution of marriage rather than to help those who feel trapped within it. It punishes those whose actions point to the glaring flaws and inadequacies of the institution of monogamy.
Infidelity is neither a social problem nor a crime. It could be an indication that a relationship is no longer working. Yet cultural stigma or social and economic pressures lead individuals to live lives of dishonesty and falsehood instead of finding a way to acknowledge the reality of it.
The Debabratee (she/she) is an English Literature student at Jadavpur University. If they are not found reading or writing, they will run after and cuddle with their dog. You are an avid binge watcher of all types of OTT content and enjoy dissecting and analyzing it in your free time. You can be found on Instagram.
Selected image source: Altpick.com
Comments are closed.