It all started with Melissa Houston buying indulgences online – shoes, clothes, handbags. Then she moved on to bigger purchases, renovating the family room and building a swimming pool in the backyard. She says her spending spree has plunged her family’s finances into massive debt – and she’s been hiding it from her husband.
“I’m out of joint and have over $100,000 worth of debt on loans,” said Houston, 48, a mother of two who lives in Ottawa, Canada.
“I would give him the costs here and there, but I wouldn’t give him the current balance sheet,” she said. “I definitely kept quiet about that part because I knew we wouldn’t be doing these renovations if he knew.”
Houston, a former accountant turned entrepreneur, was also responsible for managing household expenses for her husband Jamie and their children. It made it relatively easy to keep this secret about her spending, she said.
Melissa and Jamie Houston, of Ottawa, Canada, had to work through “money secrets” that left them in six-figure credit card debt.
CNBC
Jamie, 49, said he was “a little bit suspicious but I trust my wife so I didn’t really push it.”
Eventually, Melissa told him she’d racked up six-figure credit card debt — and they’re now working through this crisis together, though Jamie admits he’s still “suspicious.”
“I’m always a bit wary,” he said.
Pandemic fuels “money secrets”
A survey found that nearly 60% of adults say the pandemic has increased financial stress in their relationship. For some couples, this stress can lead them to hide a bill, purchase, bank account, or credit card statement from their partner. Among adults with mixed finances, another survey found that 43% of adults have admitted to engaging in some form of financial cheating or infidelity.
“Financial infidelity involves hiding financial information and financial transactions from your partner in a situation where you have a reasonable understanding of what they want to know,” said Jill Hasday, a law professor at the University of Minnesota. “And keeping the information harms them.”
Hasday, author of Intimate Lies and the Law, says financial deception is often difficult to spot. “Society tells us to trust our confidants — and it’s very hard to break that,” she said.
However, many couples don’t talk about the one topic that can make or break that trust – money. According to a Personal Capital report, 39% of adults avoid talking about money in romantic relationships.
Get serious… and honest
Kelsey DiCarlo and Michael Mancuso celebrate their graduation from business school.
Teriann DiCarlo
Kelsey DiCarlo, 29, says she was initially hesitant to discuss money with boyfriend Michael Mancuso.
DiCarlo, an account executive at a New York-based insurance company, said she sidestepped the subject for months and “didn’t share money with him anymore just to avoid the conversation.”
“You don’t want to share too much too soon when you’re dating someone,” says Mancuso, 33, an equipment technician.
After more than a year of dating, the couple decided to move in together. Then conversations about her student loan debt and his desire to buy a property became more candid.
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“We’ve finally reached a point of comfort and trust,” said DiCarlo, who also runs a tutoring business on the side.
She admitted she didn’t want co-ownership of property just yet. He bought the property himself.
“It makes it more convenient to figure out these things together,” Mancuso said.
Although talking about money is an important step in building trust, DiCarlo says it’s not easy. “It takes effort,” she said. “It’s not always an organic conversation.”
Start “Money Talks”
To build or restore trust, “setting consistent payment dates can help,” said Dominique Broadway, a financial literacy advocate and founder of Finances Demystified. “So you have time to talk about your finances and your shared financial goals.”
One way to get the “money talk” going first is to do a little “point and tell.” “This can be as simple as opening your bills together or putting all your finances together on one Google Sheet and reviewing them together,” Broadway said.
Screening someone who has been financially cheating in a relationship requires a few more steps. Hasday recommends reviewing bank and credit card statements for accounts you hold jointly, as well as joint tax returns, to ensure you and your partner are on the same page.
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