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Secret late-night internet activity, hiding mail and sneaking around; all of this is part of the scam – financial scam to be precise. For a couple to build a bright future together, they need to be on the same page when it comes to finances, including expenses, income, and debt. But just because someone says they’re okay with the plan doesn’t mean they’re going to stick with it.
According to a CreditCards.com survey, well over a third of people in serious relationships admitted to some form of financial infidelity. Some of the most common ways include spending more than is okay for a partner, holding secret debts, and having a credit card or checking or savings account that a partner is unaware of.
Almost half of respondents say financial fraud is just as bad as physical fraud, and some even said it’s worse. The reality is that depending on the severity of the financial cheating, it’s the type of indiscretion that can change a couple’s future forever — even if they don’t stay together. The decisions your partner makes with your shared money can affect you long after you break up. And that’s one of the reasons why financial fraud hurts so much. If you’ve experienced it but want to make it work with a partner, knowing how to progress can be difficult. You can recover from financial infidelity, but it will be a process. Here’s how to get started.
Understand why the financial fraud happened
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Assessing the financial damage and working to mitigate it is an important first step. However, if you don’t find out why the behavior occurred, it may reoccur. Have an open conversation about the feelings or concerns that led to the behavior. According to the CreditCards.com survey, the most common reasons for financial fraud are:
- Never talk about money in the first place. According to 31 percent of respondents, “the subject just never came up,” indicating a greater need for communication in the relationship.
- A need for control. Thirty percent of respondents lied about money to feel in control.
- Shame about financial literacy. Twenty-five percent of those surveyed said they kept money secret because they were embarrassed about how they handled finances.
- distrust of their partner. 14 percent of financial scammers said they don’t trust their partner with money.
- Lack of trust in the relationship. Another fourteen percent were financially betrayed because they didn’t believe the relationship would last.
- Seeks. Thirteen percent have a money addiction, such as spending or gambling.
You might consider bringing in a professional to guide the discussion. There are financial therapists who specialize in helping individuals and couples build healthy relationships with money.
If your partner is struggling with an addiction to gambling or using, joining a group like Gamblers Anonymous or a shopping addiction support group can be an important ongoing part of the healing process.
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