I can not recover from my husband’s 7 yr infidelity

DEAR ABBY: I’ve known my husband my whole life. We have been married for 20 years and have three teenage children. Last year I caught him cheating. It turns out he had been dating someone for seven years. Our kids and I were devastated, and he swore to himself that he would never do it again.

Occasionally I get triggered by things I see, things he says or does, or things I know he did to her. When it happens, I usually bring up the affair again. He can’t stand me doing it. He says we need to put it behind us and work on our marriage. I told him that this might be easy for him, but I’m not that kind of person. I tend to overanalyze and dwell on things.

We went to marriage counseling and I was grateful for that because he was always against it. It helped. I need to know how to stop bringing up these things because it is ruining my health and our marriage. I love him very much.

One more thing, I’m not sure because he’s in the military and he’s supposed to be deployed for a year. I’m afraid he might get online and talk to someone. He swears he won’t do this to me again and he’s so sorry for what he did. Please advise. — TOTALLY LOST IN NEW JERSEY

LOVE COMPLETELY LOST: I am glad that the counseling helped you and your husband through the difficult phase. Now it’s time for something more – for you, to help you cope with your insecurity issues. Freaking out about what he “might” do during his year of service isn’t going to help you or the state of your marriage. You have to make a decision about trusting your husband — and then move on from there.

DEAR ABBY: An acquaintance from 40 years ago contacted me three years ago, he claims, searched and found me on social media. We’ve talked off and on since then, but he calls every day now (sometimes twice a day) and says he’s making travel plans to visit me. He lives in Canada; I’m in Massachusetts.

A long time ago he asked me to sleep with him because he knew I was with his best friend. His friend was out of town at the time. Shocked and taken by surprise, I gave in to his pressure, gave in, and then slept with him a second time. My friend was still abroad and I couldn’t tell if he had any intention of returning.

This acquaintance has not even sent me a thorn let alone a rose petal in the last three years and spooked me a few times. Should I entertain the thought of seeing him, let alone think there might be more? I am divorced, my children are grown and I have had no male company for the last 14 years. All the time I only took care of my family. — DESIRE MORE THAN CYBERLOVE

LOVE WISH MORE: You may be lonely, but please start thinking rationally. For your own sake, don’t get involved further with a man who would seduce a woman who is dating his boyfriend and who has ghosted you “a few times” in the past few years. During the periods when you were ghostly and lonely he seems to have been very busy! This person is not to be trusted with your heart or anything else.

Dear Abby was written by Abigail Van Buren, aka Jeanne Phillips, and founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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