This is part of a series on alimony. Related posts:
An end to maintenance would be good for women
Stay at home mom facing divorce? Don't expect any maintenance
Why do so few men receive maintenance?
http://www.forbes.com/sites/emmajohnson/2014/11/20/why-do-so-few-men-get-alimony/
In reporting this story, I encountered a number of people who chose not to have the marriage that was right for them. Here are their stories:
“Asking for alimony would be like asking for a pension for a job I no longer do. It just didn’t seem fair to me.”
Suzan French married at 18, had a daughter shortly afterwards and was unhappily married. “My husband was a nice guy, but he worked 12 to 16 hour days (as a manager at a manufacturing company) – I rarely saw him,” says French. When French was 24, she filed for divorce but denied spousal support. Her lawyer told her she “definitely got alimony” — about $2,000 a month, she estimates. French had no college education, no professional experience and only a short resume from her teenage years.
“My marriage allowed me to stay home with my daughter full-time,” French says. “It was a luxury – not a job. I was compensated. I had a nice home, drove a nice car, and had access to a bank account. Demanding alimony would be like asking for a pension for a job I no longer did.” Why should he have to pay because he loved me enough to marry me? It just didn't seem fair.“
French got a job as a leasing agent at a nearby apartment complex, where she and her daughter moved. It took her ten years to attend community college part-time, but she eventually graduated from the Wharton School of the Ivy League University of Pennsylvania. Today, 20 years later, French owns a public relations and marketing firm, owns her home and sends two daughters to college.”
“When I got a job and started earning my own money, it boosted my confidence. I have achieved so much that I am proud of. If I had taken alimony, I wouldn’t have learned everything I have.”
“He didn’t want to take part in the marriage. So why should I force him to maintain a relationship with me?”
Amanda Starrick, 41, a college professor, earned a third of her husband's salary. She knew she was legally entitled to alimony, but when her husband initiated a divorce, she negotiated an agreement that was supposed to be a clean break. “I didn't even think about alimony – I didn't want to signal to him or his family that I needed him or was taking advantage of him,” Starrick says.
The couple had no children. “I could take care of myself and didn’t want to be dependent on him. There was a certain amount of pride involved, but I also wanted a nice, clean breakthrough.” He didn’t want to participate in the marriage, so why should I force him to maintain any relationship with me?”
“Sometimes if you have too much of a cushion, you won’t be as aggressive in pursuing your dreams.”
Dana Lin was also a housewife for most of her marriage and, like Starrick, admits that she felt a certain amount of pride in not demanding alimony in her divorce, even though she could barely support herself – her wedding and her heirloom She needed jewelry to make ends meet and admitted not eating for days when her children spent time with their father. “I was very ambitious and had great earning potential,” says 41-year-old Lin, whose husband was then chief technology officer. “I didn’t want anyone to say I couldn’t do it without him.”
Lin, then the mother of two elementary school daughters, also didn't want money to complicate her relationship with the father of her children. “I never wanted him to be able to say, 'I can't spend time with the kids because I have to work long hours to support you,'” says Lin, who also waived child support despite being split at the time worked part-time as a school office manager for $20 an hour. Today, she says, she has a very friendly relationship with her ex, who is “now a great father.”
But that doesn't mean there weren't moments when she questioned her decision to be completely financially independent from the start. “There were times when I thought, 'Oh my God, what am I doing?'” Lin admits. She estimates she is entitled to several thousand dollars a month in child support and maintenance.
Lin pursued her dream of becoming a screenwriter and now works as a script doctor and ghostwriter. Two years ago, she and a partner founded Zen Life Services, which provides law enforcement personnel with stress management training. “Lean living has taught me to be more disciplined,” she says. “Sometimes if you have too much of a cushion, you won’t be as aggressive in pursuing your dreams.”
For my next post: “Why Men Get Less Spousal Support Than Women,” I’m looking for both experts and divorcees to weigh in on why men are much less likely to seek and receive spousal support than women. Email me at emma@emma-johnson.net
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