DEAR ANNIE: I just finished reading the letter from Caged Bird and my heart broke for her. The reason is because I lived the same life and her letter could have been my own.
What her mother did to her and my mother did to me was not the result of “maternal love” or “misguided maternal care.” These were the actions of a controlling, manipulative, abusive woman. Period. I escaped her control. – Lived
LOVE LIVED IT: I’m so glad you escaped your mother’s abuse. Please make sure you are in therapy and allowing yourself to escape from the pain she has placed upon you. I hope your letter lets Caged Bird know that she is not alone and that many others have been released from the cage of control, abuse and manipulation.
Now that you’ve flown out of your mother’s abuse, it’s time to mourn the relationship you never had with her. Every child wants their mother to love and support them. When it comes to abuse, the child will constantly try to please the mother or feel that they are somehow to blame – that they did something wrong to have a mother who behaved that way. As an adult you can see that it wasn’t you at all and that unfortunately your mother wasn’t a good person. Give yourself time to grieve for that relationship that never existed.
Grief is part of the human experience, and sharing our vulnerability helps us form really strong bonds with others.
DEAR ANNIE: I’d like to point out one possible reason why the mother of “Caged Bird” might be so controlling of her daughter, who missed out on life growing up: Her mother wasn’t acting out of love, but out of jealousy.
Their mother played favorites with her sons. Her mother was probably jealous that her daughter would grow up and be better than her. How sad, but now is the time for her to step up and leave her toxic upbringing behind. — Another possible reason
DEAR REASON: Your letter raises a very good point. The fact that she treats her daughter so differently from her son could well be a sign of jealousy. Thank you for your insight.
DEAR ANNIE: I just read your article about the husband who is in a relationship with someone in the office. The woman asked why women try to destroy such marriages. I want to offer some insights as I have had experiences on both sides of the issue.
First, when I dated a married man, I lost sight of the morals my parents had instilled in me. I was young and naive and I believed what the man told me he wanted to leave his supposedly loveless marriage. It took me years to figure out that I was set for failure when mating with someone who was already connected. It was a way for me to be safe from real attachment, even though psychologically I didn’t know I was doing it.
Years later, when I was married, my husband cheated on me with a bevy of women, some of whom knew he was married. When I heard all these women on the voicemail, my now ex-husband tried to say that they weren’t calls for him. He was a scammer, period. I knew from my own experience that I had to be the #1 priority because I deserved it. And that’s how relationships should be. I’m remarried and happy now. My heart goes out to the woman in the hope that she can stay strong and make choices that prioritize her sanity and personal happiness. — Finally happy the second time
LOVE HAPPY AT LAST: Thank you for sharing your experience and congratulations on finding a partner who will bring you peace and happiness.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology – featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation – is available in paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions to Annie Lane at dearannie@creators.com. COPYRIGHT 2022 CREATORS.COM
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