Infidelity Psychology Incubated At the moment

Incubated Infidelity

Source: with permission from -wallpaperflare

Couples around the world have sought refuge for weeks. Judging from the calls from friends and family in my office and the confessions, I would say that the old adage “familiarity breeds contempt” has some value.

When people are cramped around the clock, especially if they’re not used to spending a lot of time together, it seems pretty universal to get on each other’s nerves.

Let’s be honest. It was not easy.

But imagine for a moment what it might be like if, instead of worrying about garden diversity issues, you or your spouse discovered infidelity just before the coronavirus turned our world upside down and forced you to be together all the time.

For some, this is not a hypothetical situation; they live it.

While these pairs report some fairly predictable challenges, there are some surprising bonuses too.

The bonuses

Uninterrupted time together. One of the most common things I hear from betrayed partners is that soon after being discovered, despite being devastated, they find solace in the physical presence of their spouse, which seems to help stave off rumination and anxiety.

For this reason, in my book, Healing From Infidelity, I encourage couples to spend extra time together whenever possible, even if it means taking time off from work.

Now we have no other choice. We are together. We have no place to go. These couples say the pandemic was a blessing in disguise, especially when, under normal circumstances, a long time together would have been impossible.

Time to talk. After the affairs, most of the betrayed spouses are very curious about what happened and why it happened. This often includes marathon discussions of the matter, especially early on. But then life happens and people get busy, making it necessary to put these healing talks on hold.

This often enrags betrayed spouses, who insist that the ability to share feelings of bone-deep sadness, shock, and anger is a prerequisite for moving beyond the pain of betrayal.

These in-depth interactions take time. Time together. Our on-site orders provided a clear opportunity to be together and talk.

Limited opportunities for fraud. Before the pandemic, when infidelity was discovered and life went on as usual, cheated spouses often expressed great concern that their cheating spouses might still be secretly meeting their affair partners, especially if the affair was with a colleague.

For many, having to work from home means cheating spouses have less to worry about. While it is possible that illegal contact could be made through text, zoom, or even in person, the lack of easy rendezvous opportunities seems like a godsend.

The challenges

No distraction from the pain. I once sat near a group of people in a restaurant who were having very lively conversations. I was always curious about human interaction and wondered if they were friends or business partners.

When I left the restaurant, they smiled which led me to wonder what brought them together. They told me that they all lived in a shared apartment.

In a shared apartment, people have a philosophy that it is better to share their lives than to live in isolation. They all own modest homes, but they have common areas like parks, large kitchens, and guest facilities. They also plan a lot of group activities.

I asked them how they like living there, and one man put it briefly: “The best thing about living together is togetherness. The worst thing about co-housing is togetherness. “

While closeness has been a blessing to so many couples who have dealt with infidelity, it has also been a challenge. There is no interruption in memories of the matter. The unfaithful spouse is always an arm away.

A lot of couples tell me that it helps immensely to focus on something other than the matter and get distracted every now and then. It is overwhelming to focus non-stop on the pain of the matter.

During the “old normal”, many couples felt better doing things together outside of their home, activities that were calming or even enjoyable, like trying out a new restaurant or going to the movies together.

Obviously, the possibilities to get rid of the problems by changing the scene are extremely limited. Depending on where couples live in our country, this is absolutely impossible. When it has become impossible to engage in outside activities, changing “mental channels” requires a lot more creativity and determination.

No privacy. Many couples who are involved with infidelity have children and say it is not feasible to find ways to have privacy, to talk, or when emotions are high, to have heated discussions without being overheard .

Likewise, it is difficult to withdraw when there is child care when sadness or other intense emotions arise. In addition, the constant presence of children makes it more difficult to protect them from their parents’ marital struggles.

COVID fears worsening the pain of infidelity. Lately, I’ve been putting out marital fires which I believe are caused by the underlying fear of the future. “Are we getting sick?” “Are we going to die?” “How are we ever going to recover financially?”, To name a few of those pervasive concerns.

This nagging worry leaves couples more irritable than usual and bringing them the closest they can to the human being – their spouses.

This also applies to couples dealing with the monumental crisis of infidelity.

The healing process is made more difficult because we are currently not at our psychological best. We’re scared, nervous, and have shorter backups. We have few emotional resources at a time when we need them most.

Unfortunately, few people realize how these external stressors (unrelated to our spouses) cause us to feel hopeless, helpless, and overly critical.

And without knowing how the stressors affect our perception of ourselves and our partners, we tend to have catastrophic consequences for the future.

What can couples dealing with the aftermath of infidelity do at this unprecedented time?

First, be grateful for the benefits of having more time together. This is not a small gift. The world has slowed its breakneck pace to give you time to rebuild and reconnect.

Second, intentionally schedule “trouble-free times” when you force yourself to do something other than process what happened, even if it’s uncomfortable at first.

If you are a parent and you and your spouse need to have a heated conversation, go for a walk and talk there when the kids are old enough.

If the children are young and there are some family members in your “Safe Pod”, please contact us and ask for help with babysitting. You deserve the help. Then find a comfortable place outside to hold your conversations.

If an emotional breakdown is brewing, give yourself permission to leave the room or house (if the kids are old enough).

Finally, regarding the insidious effects of fear on our interactions with loved ones, it’s important to keep reminding ourselves that everyone – including solid-ground couples – is currently feeling more judgmental of their partners.

However, if you have any problems, get help.

Don’t let our nation’s “Locked Up” status cause you and your partner to shut down.

Facebook image: Fizkes / Shutterstock

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