‘It is like Covid-19, it is in every single place’: Relationship apps and social media are making it straightforward for individuals to swipe straight into infidelity

SINGAPORE — Adultery and extramarital affairs are age-old vices, but with dating apps like Tinder and other social media platforms, a whole new world of infidelity is now a simple swipe or click away.

Marriage counselors and therapists who spoke to TODAY said the accessibility of online platforms gives people greater opportunities to engage in illicit affairs and have sex outside of committed relationships — with most of these activities only being exposed when the person gets caught.

Last week, a 47-year-old married man was jailed for having paid sex with a 15-year-old girl he met on Sugarbook. The dating site connects younger women, or “sugar babies,” with older men who are expected to pay for their companionship.

dr Martha Tara Lee, a relationship counselor and clinical sexologist at Eros Coaching, said online cheating has been around for a while.

Although technology is a enabler, Dr. Lee points out that it depends on how the individual uses them.

“It can be used to facilitate romance in a long-term relationship or marriage, for example flirting to create time and space for romance. Those who intend (to have affairs) can also use it to facilitate cheating,” she said.

In addition to dating apps that allow people to connect, there are also apps that allow timed messages that expire and provide a channel for discreet communication. One can also find and potentially connect with random strangers on messaging apps like WeChat and Telegram, said Dr. Lee.

“There are people who try their luck as long as you have a female name, for example.”

Mr Ronald Lim, head of the Reach Counseling Service, said online fraud might be more difficult to spot due to its discreet nature. Coupled with the ease of access, it can be tempting to people unhappy with their relationships or looking for excitement outside of marriage.

“Since we are now constantly using our phones to read messages, text, email, watch videos, the person may not know what their spouse is doing unless they are sitting next to them,” Mr Lim added.

Mr. Kirby Chua, Counseling Psychologist and Coordinator of Grace Counseling Centre, sees things differently.

Even though everyone uses a smartphone today, it’s not true that online fraud is harder to detect, he said.

“It works both ways. I’ve seen people get caught because their wives checked their phones or other devices connected to it.”

WHAT CONSULTANTS SEE

Over at the Grace Counseling Center, Mr Chua estimated that the number of couples seeking advice about online infidelity has doubled since the start of the Covid-19 pandemic.

“It’s becoming more common and I’m not surprised to hear of such cases. It’s like Covid-19 – it’s everywhere. And it’s not just the boys (the strays),” he added.

In about a fifth of the cases he’s seen, it’s the woman who gets lost. Most are in their 30s.

Among the cases Mr Chua recently encountered is a Singaporean couple in their 30s who had sought professional help to save their marriage after a family friend saw the man’s profile on Tinder.

It turned out he had sex with various people he met through the dating app.

“He did this for months and his wife never noticed. When she found out, she was super shocked — something I would consider a red flag in their marriage,” Mr Chua said.

“Because if they had a matched love life, maybe she would have seen the signs. I think the couple had communication problems from the start (even before the affairs started).”