Jana Kramer says ex Mike Caussin swore there was nothing attributable to infidelity weeks earlier than the breakup

Jana Kramer mourns the end of her marriage.

On Monday, the country singer / actress went on her Whine Down podcast – which is no longer branded with estranged husband Mike Caussin’s name – to talk about the grief she has faced after her divorce. Kramer was consistently emotional as she read up on what led her to make the decision to leave.

“I filed for divorce a few weeks ago and it wasn’t easy, I’ll say that,” said 37-year-old Kramer at the beginning of the show, before adding, “I don’t know if I want to.” Show more if I’m being completely honest. I started the show on my own and it’s something I’ve always wanted to do … it just felt like ours and now it just feels weird not having him here. It just feels weird. “

Pal Sara Gretzky, who flew to Nashville to accompany Kramer, tried to build Kramer’s confidence. She said she had a “crazy army” of fans behind her and that she was “so strong” for addressing her divorce so directly on the podcast.

“When I grieve, I isolate. I don’t answer my people and just stay in my bed,” said Kramer. “I had a girlfriend the other day and she just says, ‘You have to get up …’ I sometimes don’t know how … The morning and the night are the hardest because I wake up because that’s the scene in Sex and the City in which she says: ‘Was it a dream?’ “

Jana Kramer and Mike Caussin

CONNECTED: Jana Kramer says that she will be forever grateful for her 2 children in divorce from Mike Caussin

“It’s so hard when I have all these feelings and emotions and then have to be a mother,” added Kramer tearfully, referring to her two children with Caussin, son Jace Joseph (2) and daughter Jolie Rae (5 ) “I counted to the nap the first week because I can go into my room and just close the door and cry, just cry and then button it again.”

The story goes on

Later on on the podcast, her producer asked if anything had made her easier. Kramer said it was “nice not to have to wonder and worry” because she was “always afraid of this moment” and was referring to the discovery of infidelity. (A source previously told PEOPLE that Caussin broke Kramer’s trust again before filing for divorce. Neither Caussin nor his agent responded to PEOPLE’s multiple requests for comment on the claim.)

“We even had a conversation before it all came out and I was like, ‘If there’s something I don’t want to find it. Whatever it is, we can work it through,'” she said. “It was such a cohesive moment. He swore on his sobriety that there was nothing.”

The podcast host said she suffered from severe depression after the breakup and said she “couldn’t even put glasses in the dishwasher.”

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“I still don’t have the strength. I just don’t have a choice … I’m the weakest I’ve ever been … I went to my therapist a few weeks ago and said, ‘Well, I’ll do this I didn’t want to separate my family. I didn’t want that for the children, “she said. “I stayed for my children even when other things happened, but my therapist said, ‘You don’t want to live this life where it takes away your light.'”

“I didn’t want that at the end of the day. Where I am is – I’m embarrassed,” added Kramer. “I’m embarrassed that it ended like this, and I also think that I let people down. We came here and fought, and we fought for it. The words that were spoken, they were Honest of me is what I’ll say. “

Kramer later said she was worried about the first time her children would have to leave home to be with their father.

“If you leave overnight for the first time, I’ll be destroyed. It’s not what I wanted. It’s not what I worked for,” she said. “It’s not what I fought for. And it’s not fair, and it makes me so angry that I’ve worked too hard for it to end this way.”

“I always thought I would be strong if I stayed. I’m weak now because I stay,” she added.

Kramer and Caussin were married for six years. They separated briefly in 2016 before she filed for divorce in April.