Methods to take care of discoveries of infidelity in your marriage | Nicola beer

Cheating in marriage leads to sure heartbreak.

You had your suspicions, picked up the subtle signs, and watched their behavior for a while. You have come to realize that your spouse cheated on you in one way or another.

Perhaps they even admitted their infidelity to you. Or you found out by sniffing around on their phone or using a tracking device, or even following them somewhere.

RELATED: 22 Ways Couples Can Survive Cheating (And Eventually Heal From Treason)

Right now, you tend to toss your wedding ring and call it finished. Or you may feel so desperate to regain their attention and love that you will do almost anything.

It’s natural to feel numb, confused, angry, desperate, lonely, and lost. Some people even feel relieved that the game of finding the truth is over.

Here are 5 ways to spot infidelity in marriage.

1. Don’t panic.

Don’t tell everyone and everyone you know what your spouse did, including your children, family members, and friends. Instead, you need to take stock of the whole situation and find out what it all means.

A client I worked with was so angry when she discovered infidelity that she sent evidence of her husband’s betrayal to the entire family. This caused more damage to their marriage and her husband considered it vengeful.

Some people will jump straight to divorce threats and hire lawyers to regret it later.

As hard as it is, take steps to let go of the anger, pain, and overwhelming thoughts instead of responding to them.

There have been countless situations where one partner has been betrayed in the marriage and the marriage has not only been saved but also strengthened.

This doesn’t mean that having an affair in a relationship automatically means a stronger relationship. It just means that you shouldn’t make big, hasty decisions after learning what happened.

Knee jerk reactions are unlikely to help re-strengthen the relationship.

2. Face your emotions and don’t make decisions right away.

Instead of burying your head in the sand and pretending that the affair you just discovered is not happening, face your emotions directly. Resist the urge to numb yourself with alcohol, medication, or food.

You will feel extremely hurt, betrayed, dejected, and angry. But now you need to decide how much you invested in this relationship and whether or not you are ready to take a step towards recovery after the affair.

There are cases when it may be impossible for people to work towards a solution together – and that’s fine.

But for those who are able and willing to fix things, it is extremely important that their partner apologizes for cheating and takes responsibility for what they did to you and your marriage.

Unfortunately, when their cheating spouse wants to leave the marriage to stay with the person they had an affair with, some couples have no choice.

It is extremely painful to watch your loved one go after an affair. It is important to process the painful emotions and get them off your chest.

Letting go of hurt and resentment is key after your spouse is caught having an affair. Resentment harms us in the long term if we hold on to it.

3. Don’t ask your spouse to stay.

Once you have made the decision to stay and work on your relationship, you need to make sure that you don’t ask your spouse to stay. Begging seems needy and neediness is unattractive.

Begging and neediness will not work long term to help a marriage after an affair. However, you need to make it clear that you want to work on marriage so that your partner understands where you both stand.

When adultery has occurred, sometimes the deceiver’s first reaction is to think he must go.

If you want to save the marriage, say something like, “I still want you and this relationship to work.” This is different from asking the person to stay and is a better way to communicate your feelings.

It is natural to experience a whirlwind of emotions at this stage. So you need to keep track of where you are and how you are feeling.

With this communicated and understood by your partner, it is time to set out to save your marriage (if you choose to), either through your actions or through marriage courses and programs.

RELATED: 12 Difficult Things to Do When You Choose to Stay with a Cheating Husband

4. Take care of your sanity.

You may have sleepless nights trying to put all the pieces of the puzzle together. Your mind and head may be crawling to learn more about what happened in the affair and when the cheating started.

You may find that images of the affair and the betrayal keep popping up in your head.

You can ask yourself or your spouse the same questions over and over after the affair, such as:

  • How in the world could they do this to me?
  • What’s wrong with me
  • What did I do to deserve this?
  • Did you ever love me
  • I am not attractive enough

All of these questions to ask yourself after an affair are about to hurt you. They are harmful because they attack you, and your subconscious is always responding to try to find a reason for any question.

Instead, switch to empowering questions like:

  • What can I do about it now?
  • What do I have to learn from them in order to move forward?
  • What can I do with it for my future?
  • What are the lessons here?

If you find that your mind is not calming, or that anger, pain, and confusion are excessive, try a hypnotherapy session.

Hypnotherapy is a great tool for calming overwhelming emotions. This method works best when you have a recording made for you to listen to.

Relax and let go of all fears, anger and recurring thoughts and images so that you can sleep better and focus more easily on your future, no matter what you choose.

5. Consider couples therapy.

When a marriage is unfaithful, repairs need to be made. It goes beyond the initial emotional, angry phase because what happened is a betrayal of the person’s trust.

Some people are not surprised if they catch their spouse cheating because the marriage has already had many problems.

Repairs need to be done to restore confidence after the affair. Both partners need to look at what the relationship needs and what needs to change.

Some marriage counseling services will guide you in depth, why? and sometimes delve into childhood patterns.

If you have a lot of money and time and you like to dive into the past then by all means go ahead. However, when it comes to saving a marriage after betrayal, it doesn’t help to go over and over the past.

Instead, it must be determined how the fraudulent spouse will take responsibility for their actions. What are you willing to do to change things and what are you ready to do to build a new relationship?

This does not mean forgetting about the past matter, but rather the couple must learn from it and move forward. Are both ready to re-engage in the relationship and do the necessary work to repair the marriage after the affair?

Whatever you do, and whoever you hire as marriage therapists, make sure they believe that after an affair, marriage can be saved.

A good wedding therapist:

  • I am not going to tell you what to do and whether or not your marriage can be saved.
  • Don’t play judges and juries on your relationship and give their opinion on whether or not your marriage is good.
  • Don’t want to get stuck in the past and keep going over problems.
  • They have a plan that they share with you to get closer, rather than an endless series of sessions with no structure or action to guide you along the way.
  • Don’t push too much.

It is natural to not be sure whether to stay or leave your marriage after discovering that your spouse has been betrayed.

Seeing a good relationship therapist can help you get an overview of what you want as an end goal and outline what you want to achieve through the sessions.

RELATED: A Step-by-Step Guide to Determining If Your Relationship Has a Chance at Infidelity Survival

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Nicola Beer is a couple counselor in Dubai and online. To book one of her free ultimate connector consultations, email her or read “The 7 Secrets to Save Your Marriage”, get your free report, and visit her website.

This article was originally published on Reprinted with permission from the author.

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