Monetary infidelity – the best way to spot it, the best way to cease it and the way to verify it by no means occurs to you once more
(GERMANY OUT) Couple in bed – 22.12.2010 (Photo by Wodicka/ullstein bild via Getty Images)
ullstein picture via Getty Images
When most of us think of marital infidelity, visions of secret love affairs in the bedroom come to mind. Perhaps less lewd, but just as devastating to a marriage, infidelity can be of a different kind: financial infidelity. In this article we will examine how financial infidelity happens and how you can stop it.
FINANCIAL INFIDELITY: A CASE STUDY
When Megan married Jonathan 12 years ago, she was thrilled that he seemed to have his finances in order and promised to take care of the couple’s finances. “I was happy to let my husband take care of all the money stuff so I didn’t have to,” she says. Just a few years later, Megan found out about a secret her husband had been keeping from her and left her completely stunned.
“When our accountant prepared our tax return and went over the details with me, I found out that my husband was making almost double what he told me to do,” Megan explained. “When I confronted him about it and asked him where that extra money was, he admitted he was addicted to gambling. In reality we had very little savings and a large debt load from his gambling habits.”
Megan was stunned when she learned the truth, not sure which aspect of her new reality was worse: her true finances or the web of lies Jonathan had spun. “That could never happen to me. I had no idea how he could hide all that money. What do I not know yet?”
We’ve all heard the story of a spouse cheating on the other, but what happens when the cheating is financial? As if the heartbreak of betrayal wasn’t bad enough, recovering from the financial consequences of a partner’s infidelity can be extremely difficult.
A budget Lenovo laptop with a piggy bank and coins, August 23, 2011. (Photo by Kevin Nixon/What … [+]
Future via Getty Images
HOW TO DETECT FINANCIAL INFIDELITY
Just like sexual infidelity, financial infidelity is a very serious betrayal of trust. If you’re afraid to talk to your spouse about financial issues, then what you’re dealing with is bigger than a financial issue, it’s a relationship issue.
How can you recognize it? There are several indicators of financial infidelity to look out for, including:
– New credit card statements – Suddenly bank statements for one or more credit cards arrive at your home that you don’t know about.
– status change – Your name was suddenly removed from a former joint credit card for no apparent reason.
– New passwords – If your online bank account passwords have been changed without your knowledge.
– Unwillingness to talk about financial matters – Your spouse refuses to talk about financial matters or gives you financial documents to sign without telling you what they are for.
– Unilateral financial decision-making – Your spouse makes significant purchases without discussion and/or without your consent.
– paranoia – Your spouse suddenly seems very paranoid about checking the mail.
Now, don’t get me wrong—I’m not saying that a couple of small brown Bloomingdales bags in the back of the closet are a sign of the impending doom of the marriage. Or that if you round the price of the Laker tickets you bought in court from $990 to $900 when asked by your wife, you’ll go straight to divorce court. But at what point does financial fiasco cross the line and become a very serious financial fiasco that wreaks havoc on your future?
HOW TO AVOID FINANCIAL INFIDELITY
The key to avoiding such conflicts is open and honest communication. Talking about money needs to be an ongoing, dynamic, and collaborative effort, just like any other part of your relationship — from deciding about parenthood to deciding which restaurant to choose for dinner on Friday night.
In Megan’s case, she admits that she allowed Jonathan to take care of her finances and was glad she didn’t have to. “Having one partner assume exclusive financial responsibility, whether willingly or not, opens the door to many problems in marriage,” said Jennifer Hurvitz, relationship coach and best-selling author of One Happy Divorce.
There are several ways to end the possibility of financial infidelity rearing its ugly head. To put an end to the financial infidelity that may be occurring in your relationship and to make sure it doesn’t happen again:
– Don’t stay in the dark – Leaving financial responsibility solely in your partner’s hands is a great way to allow financial infidelity to creep into your relationship. Take charge of your finances and make sure you do it together!
– Schedule regular meetings – Set up monthly or quarterly meetings where you and your spouse can get together to discuss finances… and anything else important.
– Think about your goals together – Are they still the same? Does your partner have other goals in mind? You need to be sure you’re both on the same page and come up with a family budget that you both agree on.
– Get a pro – An accountant or financial advisor can help you with goal setting, debt management, tax-efficient investments, and estate planning ideas.
Financial problems are the root cause of so many divorces, but it doesn’t always have to end that way. “In retrospect, the unusual behavior should have been a red flag to me,” says Megan. “Maybe it’s because of the crappy situation I was in, but I think these important things should be discussed early on and not wait until you have a problem to address it.”
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