My husband of 20 is having an affair. He advised buddies that he needed to break up and NOT pay youngster help. What ought to I do?

Dear Moneyist,

I recently discovered evidence that my 20 year old husband is having an affair and he has claimed to others that he wanted to get out of our marriage. He has not yet asked me to end the marriage, and I have not presented him with this information.

Some of his colleagues have advised him on how to get out of the marriage without having to pay alimony. We own our house and have some retirement accounts. His is much better (bigger) than mine. At the beginning of our marriage, we decided to stay home for a few years to raise our young children.

As they got older I was employed in a low paying job that suited our family’s needs. I have worked steadily for 10 years. There is a huge wage gap between us as my husband has more education and uninterrupted work experience than he continued to climb the corporate ladder.

What can / should I do to protect myself and the financial interests of my children? Should this be done before confronting him?

Many Thanks.

Woman in shock in Pennsylvania

Dear In Shock,

Prepare now, confront later. Have this conversation when you are calm and in a position of strength.

One option: if you have a trusted family attorney to use, give them a call now. If you have a trusted family lawyer who you don’t want to use, give them a call as your last point of contact. If you discussed your situation with a divorce lawyer, they cannot represent your husband due to a conflict of interest.

Lee Rosen, a divorce attorney in Raleigh, NC, says talking to the best divorce lawyers in your city can do both. “I don’t think it’s a good approach for people in general,” he writes. “In fact, I think an excellent lawyer on both sides of the divorce process is likely to provide a quick and fair resolution.”

“When you take the good lawyers out of the potential to get involved in the case, I think sometimes it is harder to sort things out,” he adds. “They may have a great lawyer on one side but a mediocre lawyer on the other, and they have a hard time reaching an agreement.”

The money is: My wife and I live with my dying mother. My brothers and I will inherit their home. Should I ask them to sell it – and move in with me?

Gather financial documents: emails, credit reports, debts, bank statements, retirement accounts, savings accounts, stocks and bonds. Pennsylvania is not a jointly owned state, but any property or money acquired during your marriage is considered conjugal property and should be divided equally. This does not include inheritance.

Receive a copy of the current balance on all of your bank accounts, a copy of your marriage license, and a list of your income and expenses as a couple, including mortgage payments, property tax, and life insurance. Rosen recommends opening a new credit card account and bank account and, in the latter case, depositing money in case of an emergency.

Pennsylvania divorce law does not automatically entitle a spouse to maintenance. However, you are in a good position given the differences in your income, the length of your marriage, the career sacrifices you made during your marriage to raise your children, and the circumstances surrounding your divorce (your Man)).

By the time you confront your husband about his affair, you will have enough documents and information gathered to know your rights and, hopefully, feel empowered to begin the next chapter as a single (and free) woman if that’s what you want Change all passwords on your email and other social media accounts and stay away from social media.

You deserve a good relationship and a happy, financially secure life. I wish you all three.

You can email The Moneyist at qfottrell@marketwatch.com with financial and ethical questions related to coronavirus

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