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Recently I brought up the topic of infidelity and mainly focused on the fact that many couples stay together after it happened in their relationship.
The backlash was quick and the general consensus was that if someone has cheated you should never stay in the relationship and that person would always be unfaithful in future relationships.
In fact, I can summarize the answer to a statement I’m sure we’re all very familiar with.
Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Well personally I don’t think I could stay in a relationship after trust was broken to this extent and I would probably have to move on.
But once a cheater, always a cheater to say and not give someone a chance because of their past?
Let’s examine a little whether this general statement is based on truth or not.
Research has shown that someone is more likely to cheat after cheating in previous relationships
A few years ago, the University of Denver conducted a study to see if someone was more likely to cheat in their next relationship than in their past ones.
In summary, their findings are as follows:
“The results of this study showed that people who had committed infidelity themselves knew about a partner’s infidelity or suspected that an unfaithful partner had a higher risk of having the same infidelity experiences again in their next romantic relationships.
According to this study, it seems that someone is more likely to cheat in the future if they have done so in the past.
However, does that mean that if you’ve cheated or want to date someone who has had moments of infidelity in their past, it’s doomed to fail?
I think this is wrong based on my experience and here are the reasons why.
People have the ability to change and work through their mistakes/past behavior
Another reason I don’t like the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater” is that it’s about absolutes. The reality is that someone who has cheated may view their past differently than someone who has done the same.
Let’s look at two different scenarios that involve infidelity as an example.
scenario 1
Gabby and David have been together for a few months. One night, Gabby reveals to David that she has been cheating in all of her previous relationships. There are no regrets, she has an apology for every single time it happened and ultimately blames her exes.
Scenario #2.
Julie and John have just started seeing each other. John likes Julie very much and wants to be completely honest with her. After only a few dates, John informs Julie that he has had several relationships in the past in which he has been unfaithful. He realized it was a pattern and began therapy to find out why he was repeating these behaviors and to try to change them.
Now both Julie and David have every right to decide that they don’t want to date someone who has cheated on them in the past. However, these are two very different people. Gabby obviously has no regrets about what she did, and because of that, her behavior is likely to be repeated. John, on the other hand, has been working on his relational confidence and may be able to keep himself from repeating past mistakes.
At the end of the day, people must want to change
There was another aspect of the comments on my social media post that I mentioned earlier that I would like to address.
Numerous people said that when they were in relationships, their partner cheated constantly and came back, promised to change, and then did it again. These people have waited years and years for a change that hasn’t happened because their partner didn’t want change or didn’t feel the need.
“Most of the time, change doesn’t happen until someone wants it themselves. When you seem unwilling to address problematic behaviors, simply waiting and hoping can put you in a position where you accept pain over and over again.
From my experience, I am unable to rebuild the trust I once had for them when someone has been unfaithful to me. However, I’ve also been with partners who have worked through their past behavior and ended things for reasons unrelated to infidelity.
Ultimately, whether or not past infidelity in dating is a deal breaker is entirely up to you. But I think it’s unfair to suggest that someone who makes a mistake and cheats once is bound to that behavior forever.
If someone wants to change, they can put in the work to make it happen, but that choice is entirely up to them.
Sources:
https://www.psypost.org/2018/07/cheaters-three-times-more-likely-to-report-cheating-in-their-next-relationship-study-finds-51849#:~:text=View %20All%20results, cheaters%20reported%20%20%20%20%20%20 times more than %20%20%20next%20%2C%20study%20found&text=Kayla%20Knopp%20and%20colleagues%20found, i.e.%20in%20their%20first% 20relationship.
https://www.family-institute.org/behavioral-health-resources/relational-self-awareness-key-navigating-modern-love
https://www.healthline.com/health/do-people-change#takeaway
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