Pricey Annie: Why should not I inform his spouse about his infidelity?

Dear Annie: My wife “Monica” has had a mainly SMS affair with “Mike” for almost two years. There are emails in which they say “Hey, Babe”. It is disgusting. I discovered this by chance years ago and recently again after thinking they hadn’t talked for years.

After that discovery, I angrily texted Mike – he’s not someone I really know, but I took his number off my wife’s phone – and my wife claims it’s “over”. I’ve heard this before.

My wife asked me not to contact Mike’s wife because “they’d probably get a divorce if she found out”. Why should I care? My wife thinks Mike is “a friend” and doesn’t want to see him hurt. I’m sure he’s not a “friend” and obviously wants more.

Why should I comply with my wife’s wishes here? Doesn’t Mike’s wife deserve to know he’s in love with another woman? (His words, expressed in an email.)

Why do I have to be the only person who knows about this situation? I have a feeling that someone who knows – Mike’s wife, or maybe my wife’s mother – could shock either of these two people if they realized that they were risking too much if they continued like this. We have children, as do Mike and his wife.

Why shouldn’t I tell Mike’s wife? Has she no right to know of her husband’s infidelity? – Let out the truth

Dear Let the Truth Out: Yes, Mike’s wife has the right to know about her husband’s infidelity – if he was, in fact, unfaithful to her. Mike has to be the one to tell her about his feelings for your wife and not for you. Instead of focusing on someone else’s relationship, keep focusing on your own.

Seek out marriage counseling with your wife. Try to understand why she needs an emotional connection with another man by texting them. Maybe you will learn something. I know the lyrics you found hurt you – and I’m sorry – but hurting Mike’s wife isn’t going to make it any better. Instead, focus on mending your relationship. Let Mike find out his own stuff. If we lie to the ones we love, we are only hurting ourselves, so I suspect Mike is already suffering. Good luck to you and your wife.

Dear Annie: Your answer to the parents of the 4 year old, who is not interested in books and cannot sit still, leaves out one possibility. Mom needs to speak to her pediatrician about the possibility that her son may have Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, or ADHD.

The description would make me, a retired pediatrician, very suspicious. If the pediatrician agrees the boy has ADHD, the pediatrician can help with some behavior management suggestions for the time being, but if the child has behavioral problems in school – often first grade – medication can be very helpful and save the child’s education progress. – Retired pediatrician

Dear pediatrician: Thank you for your letter and your insights. I am always happy to hear from professionals in their field. This is a wonderful opportunity that I missed, and thank you for pointing it out. Hopefully it will help others struggling with similar situations.

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