Savage Love: “Sexual infidelity is one factor, emotional infidelity is one other” | Wild Love | Orlando

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Q: I am a gay man in my 50s and married to a man. We’ve been together for 30 years. We love each other and have built a great life together, but our sex life is so lackluster it’s almost dead. After years of trying to get my spouse to talk about our likes, wants, needs, and differences, and after years of making suggestions about how or what we could do together or separately to improve our sex lives, I had finally had enough and started to have dalliance here and there. I’ve encouraged him to seek sexual gratification wherever he chooses, but his response is always, “I couldn’t.”

So what’s the problem? I’ve always been attracted to daddy/boy scenarios – it plays into my submissive tendencies – and I recently met a hot daddy. We’ve been dating for six months, we’re both GGG and the sex is great! But my spouse doesn’t know about my relationship with dad. I would love for the two to meet as I think they would enjoy each other’s sense of humor and personality as they are both wonderful men. Is it possible to introduce them so we can become three friends and maybe help my spouse open things up? My spouse and I are both sub bottoms and my daddy is a gentle daddy dom. Do I bring them together or do I keep these two relationships separate?

A: If you’re asking me, LAD, to tell your husband that you’ve been shagging another man for six months without upsetting him, I can’t help you. He will most likely be upset. Also, there’s no way you can tell your husband about your recently acquired fuckbuddy without jeopardizing your vague DADT agreement.

Well, assuming your husband isn’t an idiot, he knows you’ve had sex with other men. When you told him to look elsewhere for sexual gratification, he must have known you were planning to (or were already doing) the same thing. But there’s a difference between knowing something because you kind of made it up and knowing something because you were literally told. And there’s a difference between having sex with other men – once, one after the other – and having sex with a man over and over again. (Which is a far safer option for you and your husband during this monkeypox outbreak than a one-off.)

Sexual infidelity is one thing, emotional infidelity is another.

But the chances of your husband leaving you – after 30 years – seem slim. And even if he’s upset at first, who knows? If he is willing to meet your boyfriend/daddy boyfriend once his anger is gone, and if he is attracted to and your daddy dom is attracted to your daddy dom, a series of hot threesomes could reignite your sexual connection with your husband. Things could also go from not great to really awful — you could get a divorce — but things don’t get better on the sexual front without a shake, and telling the truth is a pretty good way to shake things up.

Saying all that, saying to your husband, “I have a boyfriend, I want you to meet him, I think you two could get along,” is a big risk, and there are no hillbilly.

Q: I am a 26 year old gay man from Arizona. I dated my 38 year old boyfriend for a year and a half. We were monogamous from the start, but when we “put our kink cards on the table” about six months later (I’m a longtime listener and reader), “he admitted” that he wanted to watch me get fucked by another guy became. Or boys, plural. He brought it up literally every time we had sex for a year.

Two weeks ago I went on Grindr (with its OK) to see what’s out there. I found a couple and showed him their photos. He was excited. We walked over to them and it felt right and they both fucked me in front of my boyfriend. My friend – who was jerking off and came while watching me get fucked – had a complete breakdown after we left. He called me a lot of names and accused me of enjoying it too much and broke up with me. Thank god I still have my own apartment so I grabbed some clothes and left. He says he wants a monogamous relationship now, but not with me because of what happened. I haven’t done anything he didn’t ask me to do.

I’m heartbroken and full of regrets and I can’t stop crying. Should I pretend to hate it? Is there a way to salvage this?

For the answer to the above question, go to savage.love/savagelove to read the rest of the column. Write to Dan [email protected]

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