There is considerable research on the advantages and disadvantages of being unfaithful, on why people might go outside the relationship (there are essentially 10 reasons), on how partners try to catch infidelity1, and even on the strategies people already use in committed relationships to attract mates on the side2, but to date no research has investigated the approaches people use to hide infidelity.
In a recent paper in the journal Personality and Individual Differences (2022), evolutionary psychologist Menelaus Apostolou notes that long-term mating has many benefits when it comes to raising children, health and well-being, and resource pooling. But infidelity allows people to have “backup” mates; provides access to additional material resources; for men, increases the number of possible offspring; and for women allows access to more genetically desirable reproductive partners outside their primary relationship.
Infidelity is fairly common, supporting the notion that aside from pleasurable diversion, infidelity offers evolutionary benefits. Studies show that one out of three American men, and one out of five American women, engage in infidelity; In France, one in three women reportedly had extramarital sex.
In spite of it’s popularity and the potential advantages, infidelity is a common reason cited for divorce. It is often a cause of pain and suffering for both partners.
Hiding Infidelity
To investigate the ways people try to hide infidelity, Apostolou designed two studies. The first study surveyed people in relationships to gather an exhaustive list of specific ways people hide infidelity; the second study asked people who reported being unfaithful to identify actions most commonly used and analyzed the findings to identify major strategies. He also rated respondents on the dark triad traits of narcissism, psychopathy, and Machiavellianism, to look for personality correlates.
study 1
In the first study, 188 women and 109 men, average age in early to late 30s—a third of whom were married, a third in relationships, and the remaining third single (with a small percentage who reported their status as “other”) —were asked to imagine their were in an “extra-pair” relationship and “write down some things you would do in order to keep this relationship secret from your partner.”
There were a total of 53 actions, as follows:
53 Ways to Hide Infidelity
Source: Adapted by Grant H. Brenner from original study
study 2
For the second study, 489 participants were screened, and a final sample of 167 women and 132 men were identified who reported they’d been unfaithful to their long-term partner in a past or current relationship. Nearly 40 percent were married, 29 percent were in a relationship, a quarter were single, and the rest reported relationship status as “other”.
Eighty-five percent said they engaged in infidelity a few times, and 15 percent more frequently. They were asked to review the list of 53 actions that were identified in the first study and rate them on a scale of 1 to 5, based on how often they used any of the actions. They also completed the Short Dark Triad rating scale.
Analyzing the frequency and clustering of responses, 11 overarching strategies for hiding infidelity were found, in descending order of popularity:
11 Strategies to Hide Infidelity
Source: Adapted from original study by Grant H. Brenner
Men and older participants were more likely to report using infrequent contact, and women and younger participants to use a different email or phone. By and large, however, men and women were similar in their likelihood to use these strategies.
Through A Glass, Darkly
Machiavellianism strongly correlated with using infidelity-hiding strategies, while psychopathy (though close to significance in some cases) did not. And the more Machiavellian people were, the greater the number of strategies they reported using. Narcissism was negatively correlated with three strategies, meaning that those higher on narcissism were less likely to report using them: keeping the same behaviors, infrequent contact ,and using a different phone number or email. More narcissistic participants were less likely to use a greater number of strategies.
The Infidelity Arms Race and The Future of Relationships
These are intriguing, and comprehensive, findings. Infidelity is generally considered to be unethical, due to the risk of harm to partners and the generally negative impact on relationships when discovered. At the same time, infidelity conveys certain advantages. As such, the research is of interest not only to researchers and therapists but also to people in relationships seeking to either engage in or catch, possibly prevent infidelity.
Unsurprisingly, dark triad traits were generally associated with greater infidelity. Machiavellianism, the characteristic of being shamelessly manipulative to serve one’s own ends, was associated with a greater willingness to use more infidelity-hiding strategies. Psychopathy was not significant in this study, but one suspects that future research may identify a moderating effect on infidelity strategies. Narcissism was associated with less likelihood of using infidelity-hiding strategies, and the use of a fewer number of strategies, as narcissism is characterized by grandiosity (making one less likely to be concerned about being caught) and entitlement (giving one a sense that they deserve to have extra-pair relationships). It’s interesting to wonder whether the different dark triad traits, or sub-traits, are associated with a higher or lower chance of getting caught.
As Apostolou observes, infidelity-detecting and infidelity-hiding strategies often go hand-in-hand, supporting the idea of an evolving infidelity “arms race”, where strategies and counterstrategies are developed in response to one another. However, he notes, if these strategies are too effective, infidelity couldn’t occur—and if they weren’t good enough, infidelity would be too easy.
As a result, no clear end to the current state of affairs is in sight. Though less-common relationship structures such as open relationships, ethical non-monogamy, singlehood, and others, obviate the need for infidelity, the majority of people continue to expect long-term exclusively monogamous pair bonding.
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