There is extensive research on the pros and cons of infidelity, the reasons people leave relationships (there are 10 main reasons), how partners try to catch infidelity1, and even the strategies people, who are already in committed relationships use to attract buddies on the side2, but to date no research has examined the approaches people use to hide infidelity.
In a recent article in the journal Personality and Individual Differences (2022), evolutionary psychologist Menelaus Apostolou notes that long-term mating has many benefits when it comes to child rearing, health and well-being, and pooling of resources. But infidelity allows people to have “surrogate” partners; provides access to additional material resources; increases the number of possible offspring in males; and for women access to genetically more desirable reproductive partners outside of their primary relationship.
Infidelity is fairly common, supporting the notion that infidelity offers evolutionary benefits in addition to being a pleasant distraction. Studies show that one in three American men and one in five American women are unfaithful; In France, one in three women is said to have sex outside of marriage.
Despite its popularity and potential benefits, infidelity is a common reason for divorce. It is often a cause of pain and suffering for both partners.
hide infidelity
To examine how people try to hide infidelity, Apostolou designed two studies. The first study surveyed people in relationships to gather an exhaustive list of specific ways people hide infidelity; In the second study, people who reported being unfaithful were asked to identify the most commonly used measures and analyzed the results to identify the most important strategies. He also scored respondents on the dark triad traits of narcissism, psychopathy, and Machiavellianism to look for personality correlates.
study 1
The first study enrolled 188 women and 109 men, with an average age in their early to late 30s—a third were married, a third were in a relationship, and the remaining third were single (with a small percentage reporting their status as “other”)— were asked to imagine they were in an ‘extra couple’ relationship and to ‘write down some things you would do to keep this relationship a secret from your partner’.
There were 53 actions in total, as follows:
53 ways to hide infidelity
Source: Adapted from the original study by Grant H Brenner
study 2
For the second study, 489 participants were examined and a final sample of 167 women and 132 men was identified who reported having been unfaithful to their long-term partner in a past or current relationship. Nearly 40 percent were married, 29 percent were in a relationship, a quarter were single, and the remainder reported relationship status as “Other.”
85 percent reported having committed infidelity a few times, and 15 percent more often. They were asked to review the list of 53 actions identified in the first study and rate them on a scale of 1 to 5 based on how often they used each action. They also completed the Short Dark Triad rating scale.
Analyzing the frequency and grouping of responses, 11 overarching strategies for hiding infidelity were found, in descending order of popularity:
11 strategies to hide infidelity
Source: Adapted from the original study by Grant H Brenner
Men and older participants were more likely to report infrequent contact, and women and younger participants to use a different email address or phone. Overall, however, men and women were similarly likely to use these strategies.
Through a glass, dark
Machiavellianism was strongly correlated with the use of strategies to hide infidelity, while psychopathy (although close to significance in some cases) did not. And the more Machiavellian people were, the more strategies they said they used. Narcissism was negatively correlated with three strategies, meaning those who had more narcissism were less likely to report using them: maintaining the same behavior, less frequent contact, and using a different phone number or email. More narcissistic participants were less likely to use a greater number of strategies.
The infidelity arms race and the future of relationships
These are fascinating and comprehensive insights. Infidelity is generally considered unethical due to the risk of harming partners and the generally negative impact on relationships if discovered. At the same time, infidelity conveys certain benefits. As such, the research is of interest not only to researchers and therapists, but also to people in relationships who are either initiating or accommodating infidelity and may wish to prevent it.
Not surprisingly, dark triad traits have generally been associated with greater infidelity. Machiavellianism, the trait of being unashamedly manipulative to further one’s ends, was associated with a greater willingness to employ more strategies to conceal infidelity. Psychopathy was not significant in this study, but it is suspected that future research may identify a moderating effect on infidelity strategies. Narcissism was associated with a lower likelihood of using strategies to hide infidelity and a lower number of strategies because narcissism is characterized by grandiosity (which makes one less likely to worry about being caught) and entitlement (which makes one feel like they are) is marked deserve to have extra couple relationships). It is interesting to wonder whether the various dark triad traits, or sub-traits, are associated with a higher or lower likelihood of being caught.
As Apostolou notes, strategies for revealing and concealing infidelity often go hand-in-hand, supporting the idea of an evolving infidelity “arms race” in which strategies and counter-strategies are developed in response to one another. However, he notes that if these strategies are too effective, infidelity can’t happen — and if they weren’t good enough, infidelity would be too easy.
A clear end to the current situation is therefore not in sight. Although less common relationship structures such as open relationships, ethical non-monogamy, singleness, and others avoid the need for infidelity, the majority of people continue to expect a long-term exclusively monogamous couple bond.
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