The “monetary infidelity” that may drown {couples}

But the most common reason people keep their finances private is to avoid a confrontation or to feel embarrassed about their spending. Rather than being an act of malice, financial infidelity often occurs because the abuser cares so much about what his partner will think of him that he hides his transgressions.

Melissa Houston, an Ottawa accountant, says she knows her spiral of overspending is wrong but didn’t want to disclose her behavior to her husband because he trusted her to manage their finances. “It’s just such a shame to mismanage money,” she says. “I was embarrassed. I was ashamed.”

Houston began overspending as “avoidance behavior,” prompted by dissatisfaction with her job as an accountant. Things came to a head when she told her husband that she had committed to buying an in-ground swimming pool in the backyard. When she came clean, she says, “the look of disappointment on his face was brutal.”

Beverly Harzog, credit card expert and columnist at US News & World Report and editor of the January 2022 Financial Infidelity Survey, says money matters can be very emotional. “As an adult, problems with money management can make you feel less than and worry about what people are going to think of you,” she says.

But our ability to talk about money also depends on our upbringing, Harzog adds: “Was it taboo to talk about money, was it talked about openly, or was it never really addressed?” Recent research from the UK has shown that that fewer than half of the 3,000 parents surveyed spoke openly with their children about money – even though fostering financial literacy leads to healthier spending in adult life.

Tai McNeely says even before she found out about Talaat’s debt, she was the more financially savvy of the two; she had already paid off a car as a teenager and fought her way through college. “I had great credit, he didn’t. I knew how to handle all the money, he didn’t.”

Jump back

Dealing with financial infidelity as a couple can be difficult — and figuring this out may be the first challenge. According to the US News & Report survey, only 8% of affiliates find out about it through a confession. Often the partner only finds out from little things whether more boxes than usual have arrived or the partner’s vacation pay never came.

It can also feel very difficult to bring up the topic. “I like the word ‘taboo’ when it comes to money,” says Jeanfreau. “You should know what to do with it, but nobody wants to talk about it.” Olson adds that “we’ve been trained not to bring up the issue of money, even though “finance is a big part of our lives” and “the foundation of a relationship”.

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