When it comes to intimate romantic relationships, cheating can take many forms: one example is a recent CreditCards.com poll showing that more than half, 53% of US adults believe financial cheating is just as bad when is not even worse than physical fraud.
The list of activities that CreditCards.com includes in its definition of financial infidelity includes holding debts your partner doesn’t know about, secret credit cards or bank accounts, and spending beyond your partner’s comfort level.
Nearly a third of Americans report some form of financial infidelity. According to the annual survey, that’s still about 10% less than a year ago.
Some of this may be due to tweaks in sample size and the wording of the survey questions, but there are signs that behavior has changed too, says Ted Rossman, senior analyst at CreditCards.com. That includes secret spending, where Rossman saw a “significant shift” from previous years’ versions of the poll.
Last year, about 30% of people admitted to spending more than their significant other could handle. This year it was only 15%.
“Was it either the methodology or the behavior? It could very well have been some of both,” says Rossman. Regardless, it’s been “really harder to hide things” thanks to the pandemic.
How do people cheat in relationships when it comes to money?
CreditCards.com has divided its list of financial scams into three broad categories: spending more than your partner wants; hiding debts from your partner; or having secret financial accounts, including credit cards, checking accounts, or savings accounts.
Financial fraud goes well beyond “terrifying” stories of spouses or significant others “hiding purchases in the back of the closet or in the trunk,” Rossman says, especially among adults under 40.
There can be “this fear that the relationship isn’t going to work out and you’re going to be left out, so you might as well protect yourself with your secret account,” he says. And “there’s that independent streak of, ‘I’ve been doing this on my own for years, and who are you to tell me what to do?'”
A “yours, mine, and ours” mentality can mitigate misconceptions about money
Money can feel like a touchy subject to discuss even with a long-term partner. Whether you’ve just started dating or have been married for years, many experts say communication is the key to solving your money woes.
About “1 in 5 couples cite money as their biggest relationship challenge,” says Meredith Stoddard, vice president of life events planning at Fidelity. “You can certainly understand why people would be reluctant to bring it up.”
In this way, the pandemic has been an opportunity for many couples to reconsider how they talk about money and how they plan for and achieve their shared goals. “Covid has presented many couples with an opportunity or reckoning to come together and figure out how to overcome challenges,” says Stoddard.
As the third year of the pandemic begins, now is as good a time as any to “get involved with the things that make you uncomfortable.” And, most importantly, have that conversation with your partner, or your spouse, or whoever, to make sure you’re aligned and on the same page.”
Video by Sofia Pitt
Being on the same page doesn’t mean you have to share everything. Having separate accounts and joint accounts can be done in a healthy way, and can even eliminate the notion that an account that is solely yours is a form of dishonesty from your partner, Rossman says.
“One of the remedies could be this ‘yours, mine and ours’ idea where you agree on separate accounts for certain purchases. So you get $100 of each paycheck to spend no questions asked,” Rossman says, and the rest goes into a joint spending account or vice versa.
“I think that can be healthy,” he adds, “but the secrets aren’t good.”
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