Given the many risks associated with infidelity, such as lying, being caught in the act, venereal disease, depletion of funds, loss of marital standing, loss of life, and the like, one must consider the ever-increasing rate of infidelity wonder. Why is it so successful and attractive nowadays? What do husbands do with side chicks and wives with a male benefactor or sugar daddies or side cocks? In my marriage counseling engagements, I have found that the greatest fuel for infidelity is the search for peace, which many marriages tend to run short of over time. Couples put a lot of strain on each other in marriage. It gets worse when they throw caution to the wind. More often than not, the “I don’t care” attitude makes infidelity a simple and easy escape route for many. When a woman wonders what her husband sees in a woman of lesser beauty and social status, the simple answer is peace. Or when a husband is at a loss as to why his wife would stoop so low to hook up with a guy or a sugar daddy, the only answer is peace.
When the house becomes a war front or a battlefield, infidelity offers a haven of peace to the couples in such houses. Many husbands who go out after work and late at night seek that elusive peace in marriage. The same is true of many wives who stay away for a long time.
False assumptions about infidelity
Sexual Pleasure: It’s a common feeling that infidelity is mostly for sex. Many times it is not. There is a lack of peace. The guy or babe is just looking for a place to cool off and have some rest. The sex thing is just a byproduct of infidelity. The majority of those involved do this for lack of peace in the marriage. Do you realize that due to erection problems in men and dry vagina in women, there isn’t much infidelity sex available? Rather, it’s the cuddling, the sweet words of encouragement, the body and ego massaging, and the camaraderie that are mostly at the heart of the infidelity (partners in lust) give each other. Unfaithful partners treat each other well: they respect each other, speak softly to one another, have an inexplicably caring attitude towards one another. This is why it is often said that concubines treat each other as if there was no one else in their world. This is called “Ase ale jeje bi eniti ko rI obinrin ri” in Yoruba country. You just have to be careful not to scare him or her. Remember, the largest sex organ is the mind. Sex, especially great and romantic sex, flows better in the atmosphere of a peaceful mind.
Monetary and other pecuniary benefits
This is not often the case with infidelity. If this assumption is correct, why do rich people, top executives, etc. play the game of infidelity? It’s simple and mainly for peace. You are looking for the peace that is elusive at home. Although it is a game of peace, it does not bring lasting peace. It’s a matter of time and the bubble will burst.
One woman said of her adulterous ways, “I can’t come and die from stress.” Many highway accidents or suicides are due to a lack of peace of mind on the part of the victims. They get carried away by their marital problems or life challenges while behind the wheels.
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Therefore, when we need to end infidelity or reduce it to a minimum, the best therapy is peace therapy. Let married couples make marital peace a top priority and it will sweep infidelity off their feet.
How to make peace a feature of your marriage
- It should be a conscious decision. Decide that you will strive for peace in your home at all costs. Don’t assume it will be difficult, but convince yourself that no matter what, it will be achieved.
- It should be a joint decision. The couple must be willing to pursue peace as a shared responsibility. While you are two individuals, marriage brings you both to pursue common interests in the union. Without reciprocity in marriage, the marriage cannot give the couple its best.
- Minimize all stressors. Money, sex, children, large families, etc. are the main causes of stress in marriage. These should be managed in a way that reduces each individual’s stress to the bare minimum.
- Focus more on your strengths and less on your weaknesses. This will help you stay emotionally stable so as not to walk on the sidelines in your marriage. Focusing on your strength is a self-esteem booster
- Celebrate and appreciate one another. It is a fact that you are where you are valued and celebrated. Many couples lack a culture of mutual appreciation. Instead, it’s always one or the other complaint.
- Avoid comparing your spouse to someone else, or your marriage to someone else’s. Such a comparison gives the false impression that the grass is greener on the other side. Thus, the tendency to compete with the other person or marriage puts undue pressure on the marriage and partners. Stop running your marriage on the timeline of other marriages, no two marriages or people are the same.
- Remember that one man’s flesh is another man’s poison. What works for the other marriage may not work for you. So focusing on what is working in the other marriage will only put undue pressure on you and your spouse.
The point I am making here is that when peace in marriage is given the highest priority, infidelity is reduced to the bare minimum. What primarily drives infidelity is the lack of peace on the home front, rather than sex and material gains. Let couples raise the bar for peace at home and watch infidelity fly out of marriage.
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