The new law in Florida eliminates so-called permanent alimony and adjusts current alimony payments. This does not include maintenance if a couple has been married for less than three years and establishes the “right to retire” for those who pay. This essentially means that once a person retires, they can petition the court to modify alimony payments. There are also a number of other changes to the law.
And while this law is new in Florida, it has been an ongoing campaign in other states for years. Advocates who want to eliminate or change alimony payments say they are unfair, place an undue burden on men and allow shady ex-wives to continue their lifestyles. It is the wives' own fault that they have chosen to take on most of the care of the children and the house, and if they quit their jobs to stay at home, then that is their own fault.
My favorite quote: “To be financially dependent on someone else (e.g. a husband) is to take a risk.”
I think it's great that we integrate childcare into a capitalist model. Ok, let's play the game. And mind you, this is coming from a man, so of course my opinion is more important than “greedy” women.
In capitalist terms
All sarcasm aside, in case you can't tell, let's break it down in terms everyone can understand.
Caring isn't free, you motherfucker. I mean, come on, does anyone really believe that? Has anyone looked at the astronomical costs of daycare, cleaners, chefs, therapists, chauffeurs, etc. etc.?
If a partner stays at home or does most of the childcare, you're actually paying for it. Accommodation and food don't even come close to covering the costs.
The argument against this is that you don't pay for childcare. That's why you have a stay-at-home mom (or dad). They should be grateful for the gift you gave them!
A friendly reminder that I am not allowed to curse in my articles here. But I want to say: Eat a… and then something that rhymes with brick.
No, being the primary caregiver is not a gift that anyone gave me. It is a gift I gave to my spouse. You can work late, miss all your doctor's appointments, and take last-minute trips. They are given the gift of continuing their career uninterrupted BECAUSE I take care of everything else.
I mean, seriously, how come this isn't known? Ask any single dad how difficult it can be to do everything. These guys don't get nearly the credit they need.
So yes, care work is paid work, just not straight away. To make it better, you took out a loan to finance child care and everything else mentioned above. This is a nice little loan with no interest payments and the caveat that you may never have to pay it back. If you stay married that's great, you don't pay alimony and the loan is forgiven.
However, if one day one of the parties decides to cancel the loan, it will be due on terms that are fair to both parties. And that means that as the main parent of my family, I expect support.
Yes, as a man I expect maintenance. Every stay-at-home dad I've talked to about divorce expects child support. We understand what we have given up.
I ended my career with the deal (no promise) that if something happened I would be taken care of. That was the condition. And when I gave up that career, I sacrificed my future earning potential. All the raises, promotions and career opportunities that one might have expected are now gone.
I literally started over, and I couldn't have done it without the support of my wife. She's gorgeous. But even if that weren't the case, and I know many spouses for whom that isn't the case, care still isn't free. It's a loan, my boys, and it's time to pay it back.
You can't have both.
Let's move forward with more honesty. Society does not expect or require men to stay home with their children. Even after 15 years of being a stay at home dad, I'm still mad about it. There is very little support for carers like me, very little acceptance and very little encouragement. I don't care, I do what I do because it's best for my family.
And in return, society fully expects mothers to be the primary caregivers. They punish women who have children and choose to work. Society puts pressure on women (as seen with Covid) to give up their careers so they can take care of the family.
Day by day, women have less and less freedom to make their own decisions. More likely through direct or indirect pressure, no one can deny that. In Amanda Montei's upcoming book, Touched Out, she wonders whether being a stay-at-home parent is fun if you actually choose that role. That should tell you everything you need to know. Women cope poorly, and so do men, who are denied this choice for the same reasons.
Yes, being a stay-at-home parent is fun if you choose. But this choice comes with conditions, a contract if you will. I give you my career, my earning potential and my free time and in return you take care of me financially.
This means that if I spend 15 years of my life caring for the family, I will receive at least 15 years of alimony, compensation for lost career and retirement funds. It's non-negotiable. This is the deal you make once your spouse becomes the primary caregiver.
OR
Yes, there is a secret way to get out of here. Become the primary caregiver yourself. Make all visits, walk around and take days off when the child is sick. Really make it a 50/50 split. Realize that your partner's career is just as important as your own, and don't get upset if she expects you to do your share of the heavy lifting. This is the other way out of permanent maintenance. But it rarely works that way.
I am in a unique position where I can see both sides. I have been both the primary breadwinner and primary caregiver in the past. I can tell you without hesitation that caregiving is work and that you pay for that work one way or another. It is really that easy.
The push to abolish child support is not about equality. It's not about poor, unhappy men who have to work to keep supporting someone they're not married to.
It is another level of controlling women and spouses to force people to stay in marriage. It is, once again, an attempt to take away a person's freedom and agency over their own life. It really is that simple, despite what organizations that hide behind such monikers as Florida Family Fairness tell you. It's not about fairness. It's not about families.
Abolishing alimony is about power, money and control, because those things always are.
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This post is being republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
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