There is extensive research on the pros and cons of infidelity, the reasons people might leave the relationship (there are 10 main reasons), how partners try to catch infidelity1, and even the strategies people use to Already in a committed relationship, attract mates on Page2, but to date no research has explored what approaches people use to hide infidelity.
In a recent article in the journal Personality and Individual Differences (2022), evolutionary psychologist Menelaos Apostolou notes that long-term mating has many benefits when it comes to raising children, health and well-being, and pooling resources. But infidelity allows people to have “surrogate” partners; provides access to additional material resources; increases the number of possible offspring in men; and for women access to genetically more desirable reproductive partners outside of their primary relationship.
Infidelity is fairly common, supporting the notion that in addition to being a pleasurable distraction, infidelity also offers evolutionary benefits. Studies show that one in three American men and one in five American women commit infidelity; In France, every third woman is said to have sex outside of marriage.
Despite its popularity and the potential benefits, infidelity is a common cause of divorce. It is often a cause of pain and suffering for both partners.
Hide infidelity
To examine how people try to hide infidelity, Apostolou designed two studies. The first study asked people in relationships to compile an exhaustive list of specific ways people hide infidelity; In the second study, people who reported being unfaithful were asked to identify the most commonly used measures and analyzed the results to identify key strategies. He also scored respondents on the dark triad traits of narcissism, psychopathy, and Machiavellianism to look for personality correlates.
Study 1
In the first study, 188 women and 109 men, mean ages in their early to late 30s – one third married, one third in a relationship and the remaining third single (with a small percentage indicating their status as “other”). – were asked to imagine they were in an ‘extra couple’ relationship and to ‘write down some things you would do to keep this relationship a secret from your partner’.
There were a total of 53 actions, as follows:
53 Ways To Hide Infidelity
Source: Adapted from the original study by Grant H Brenner
Study 2
The second study examined 489 participants and identified a final sample of 167 women and 132 men who reported having been unfaithful to their long-term partner in a past or current relationship. Almost 40 percent were married, 29 percent were in a relationship, a quarter were single and the rest stated the relationship status “other”.
85 percent reported being unfaithful a few times, 15 percent more often. They were asked to review the list of 53 actions identified in the first study and rate them on a scale of 1 to 5 based on how often they used each action. They also completed the Short Dark Triad rating scale.
Analyzing the frequency and grouping of the responses, 11 overarching strategies for hiding infidelity were found, in descending order of popularity:
11 strategies to hide infidelity
Source: Adapted from the original study by Grant H Brenner
Men and older participants were more likely to report using infrequent contact, and women and younger participants used a different email or phone. By and large, however, men and women were similarly likely to use these strategies.
Through a glass, dark
Machiavellianism was strongly correlated with the use of strategies to hide infidelity, while psychopathy (although close to significance in some cases) did not. And the more Machiavellian people were, the more strategies they said they used. Narcissism was negatively correlated with three strategies, meaning those with higher levels of narcissism said they were less likely to use them: maintaining the same behavior, using less contact and using a different phone number or email. More narcissistic participants were less likely to use a greater number of strategies.
The arms race of infidelity and the future of relationships
These are fascinating and comprehensive discoveries. Infidelity is generally viewed as unethical because of the risk of partners being hurt and relationships generally being negatively impacted if discovered. At the same time, infidelity conveys certain advantages. Hence, the research is of interest not only to researchers and therapists, but also to people in relationships who may either enter into, or contain, infidelity that may wish to prevent.
Not surprisingly, dark triad traits have generally been associated with greater infidelity. Machiavellianism, the trait of being shamelessly manipulative to serve one’s own purposes, was associated with a greater willingness to employ more strategies to conceal infidelity. Psychopathy was not significant in this study, but it is believed that future research may find a moderating effect on infidelity strategies. Narcissism has been linked to a lower likelihood of using infidelity concealment strategies and a lower number of strategies since narcissism has been linked to grandiosity (which reduces the likelihood of getting caught) and entitlement (which makes you feel like you are they deserve to have extra pair relationships). It is interesting to wonder whether the various dark triad features or sub-features are associated with a higher or lower chance of getting caught.
As Apostolou notes, strategies for exposing infidelity and concealing infidelity often go hand in hand and support the idea of an evolving “infidelity arms race” in which strategies and counter-strategies are developed in response to one another. He notes, however, that if these strategies are too effective, there can be no infidelity – and if they weren’t good enough, infidelity would be too easy.
A clear end to the current situation is therefore not in sight. Although less common relationship structures such as open relationships, ethical non-monogamy, singleness, and others avoid the need for infidelity, the majority of people continue to expect a long-term exclusively monogamous couple bond.
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