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- Relationship expert Paula Quinsee says that in many relationships, talks about money are either ignored or postponed.
- It’s easy to blame and shame your partner if they don’t involve themselves in a way that you think is fair, which can lead to them keeping secrets from you.
- Paula explores why conversations about money are so sensitive and how couples can address them in a healthy way.
Some people think of money as a deal breaker. It sounds extreme, but someone once said that when they date, talking about how much they make, their expenses, policies, and bank statements is not taboo.
It might be a bit much, but it’s necessary for people who have expectations for the person they want to be with and the kind of life they want to lead. How do you plan a life if you don’t know what the financial strength looks like?
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There are many things that couples are open about, whether they are dating, in a relationship, or married. But when it comes to money, that conversation isn’t always met with honesty.
Not being open about your spending habits in a relationship can ruin it, spending things like spending money on a designer bag when the utility bill or rent hasn’t been paid. Or not being honest about what you can afford, debt or financial ambitions.
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Relationship expert Paula Quinsee says trust is a crucial component in any relationship, whether personal or professional.
“When our trust is broken, it can have all sorts of ramifications, even leading to a breakup or divorce. Finances are one of the main issues that couples often fight about and end up divorced, so couples should have those conversations,” she says.
But why isn’t it easy to talk about money, which is perceived as a sensitive topic?
“From a young age we are taught not to talk about money and not to tell anyone how much we make. We also rarely have discussions about money at home. More than often it is a heated argument or argument in money discussions as these are considered ‘adult talk’ and our first experience of money is usually related to pocket money we earn around the house. As a result, money talks are usually experienced as awkward conversations that we avoid,” says Paula.
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So when should couples indulge in “adult talk”? Often the “adult talk” occurs when things fall apart. “At the beginning of the relationship,” says Paula.
“Start with the basics like creating a household bill and agreeing on how everyone contributes to everyday expenses in relation to their income and personal expenses. Once a couple has settled into their relationship and are committed to each other long-term, they should have more serious conversations like health insurance, policies and wills based on their lifestyle and ambitions.”
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From little secrets to financial infidelity
Shafeeka Anthony, marketing manager at JustMoney, says it starts with little secrets and turns into financial infidelity.
“When two people are in a relationship, they bring a lot of baggage and often have different money personalities. Both may believe their views to be correct, which can cause significant friction, leading to deception. Whether you hide how much you make or keep a secret stash of cash in case your relationship doesn’t work out, you behave in ways that suggest you don’t trust your partner.
“A secret addiction, like gambling or alcoholism, can make things worse,” she adds.
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Blame and shame
Your value isn’t based solely on money, and you bring more to a relationship than money. However, it’s easy to blame and shame your partner if they don’t contribute in a way that you think is fair, which can lead to them keeping secrets from you.
Everyone has the right to privacy and choice over their finances, and you shouldn’t have to be accountable for every penny you spend. However, your actions can affect your partner’s life, and you owe it to them to be honest.
Close the trust gap
“The only real solution is radical honesty, with yourself and with your partner. If you’re not willing to play cards with your partner, you may need to re-evaluate the relationship yourself,” says Paula.
She recommends that if you’re struggling to have these types of conversations, you consult a therapist or financial advisor to help before serious repercussions such as confiscated goods or insurmountable debt occur.
Do you feel comfortable talking about money in your relationship? Tell us here.
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