When the topic of cheating comes up, most people assume it’s about secret relationships. But did you know that hiding your financial activities from your partner — yes, from buying those expensive red-bottomed Louboutins to owning an offshore account without their knowledge — amounts to financial infidelity?
In fact, an article published by IOL in October 2018 mentioned that the US-based financial organization National Endowment for Financial Education (NEFE) found that two out of five people in a relationship admit to hiding cash or purchases, or lie to their partner about it income and debt.
In addition, NEFE found that 75 percent of people said financial infidelity severely impacted their relationship, sparking arguments, eroding trust and even leading to separation or divorce.
So, what are the causes of this phenomenon in couples and how can it be eradicated?
Deal with bad discipline
Thembi Mvelase* took her husband’s gambling and impulsive spending lightly until they wed in 2013.
“After the glamor of our wedding day wore off, reality came when we signed our community of property agreement – a prenuptial agreement we made while we were engaged. Bheki* was heavily in debt and I inherited his debt when we opened our joint account,” she says.
Thembi was shocked by the mountains of debt Bheki had accumulated over the years when he first allowed her to see his bank statements.
“He said his loans were for his car, college tuition, his family’s home renovation and our wedding. What worries me is that he hasn’t been completely honest with his finances, particularly with his parents’ renovations, which I helped him pay off. His parents renovated their house, but not quite within his budget,” Thembi adds.
It turns out he spends most of his salary, as well as his credit card, on expensive clothing and in casinos.
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“Since I do chores around the house, I find these receipts. I don’t see him contributing constructively to our financial well-being, and while he’s a big spender, I’m seen as the uptight, thrifty man in the marriage. It has gotten so bad that I often consider leaving him. The financial mess he’s causing us is too much and we fight all the time,” laments Thembi.
Busi Selesho, financial coach and author of Money and Black People: Why Black People Don’t Have Money, How To Heal Your Money Story, says there are several reasons couples aren’t opening up about their financial habits.
“The person who lies does not want to be judged for spending that they feel guilty about. When it’s not at fault, they feel like they deserve what they spent on, even if it’s not in the budget,” says Selesho.
Couples also lie because they fear their partners won’t support their financial decisions.
Open up
Janine Player, financial advisor at Old Mutual Private Wealth Management, told IOL that couples who want to build a prosperous future together cannot help but talk about financial issues. She agrees that a lack of transparency about one’s financial situation can lead to relationship chaos.
While love is the glue that holds together a successful and blissful long-term relationship or marriage, Player advises that both partners must be completely honest about their financial situation and long-term goals.
Selesho also suggests that each couple understand how they manage their own money before considering their partner’s financial decisions. That way it’s easier to communicate without judging each other. White lies can lead to gigantic problems if you make lying a habit.
But can lying about your money ever be justified?
Selesho says, “The problem isn’t lying. It means not discussing how we want to manage our finances. Couples can agree not to talk about their money, and that’s fine as it prevents issues like lying or feeling controlled by the other. There’s a difference between not sharing information, which is justified, and lying, which completely changes the game. You can’t say you paid the deposit when you actually went on a shopping spree.”
Try to be transparent
Transparency is an important foundation for couples to support each other’s financial goals and dreams, Selesho says.
“Being honest with your partner about everything, including money, gives them a chance to support you, especially when things aren’t going well. It also helps to grow together,” she says, adding that you can plan better and learn from each other, especially if you have different financial habits.
“For example, if one person is more risk-averse and the other more cautious, it’s easier to find common ground to make realistic financial decisions,” she adds.
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Work as a unit
Selesho suggests that couples discuss what they want to achieve financially. “Every couple is different,” she says.
“Others may prefer separate bank accounts for reasons of peace, depending on their marriage contracts. When a couple is married outside the community of property, separate finances will work better for them.
“If you decide to share your finances, it has to be a mutual agreement based on a common goal that you’re both comfortable with. It shouldn’t be because they think that’s expected and how things are done,” says Selesho.
She goes on to say that sharing finances can help you compromise. player agrees.
“Money problems are the most common reasons for divorce. It’s imperative for couples to discuss their finances openly before getting married,” says Player.
Married couples or significant other can effectively manage their finances by being guided by a financial planner, advises Player.
“Financial habits can be difficult to break. Make sure yours are beneficial to the well-being of your relationship,” Selesho concludes.
Never compromise on these financial values when in a relationship
You can’t give what you don’t have. Instead, focus on investing in yourself and your knowledge to create wealth, advises Selesho.
Make sure your partner takes their progress seriously. People who are dedicated to betterment will not take their money problems to others because they know how to use support while redeeming themselves.
Don’t compromise on self-development. People who constantly improve deserve more, recognize opportunities, and are driven by their passions.
Be with someone who is friendly and accepting. They are less likely to judge you when you make mistakes, especially financial ones.
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