Around 4:20 a.m. Saturday, reports of missing persons surfaced with campus police.
The missing person in question is notorious Mountain Dew reviewer Barken Blue.
Rumors of a threat to Blue’s safety are already circulating.
At the time of writing, there is no reliable evidence as to the cause of Blue’s sudden disappearance, but some students have speculated
When asked, first-year student Rembrandt Jones said, “Barken Blue? Wait, isn’t that Thunderclap from Slap Fight Team?”
To further the investigation, the Chimes paid a visit to the campus police. Arriving at the Public Safety building, the campus police were laughing and enjoying themselves over a few Sprite bottles. When Blues’ disappearance was discussed, the mood suddenly changed. Coldly, they stated, “This isn’t something you should get into. It’s best to stay out of things you don’t understand.”
It seemed like everywhere I turned there were only Coca-Cola fanatics and no PepsiCo lovers.
After leaving public safety, I began to wonder why the police had trouble giving me definitive information. I began to worry because my clues were fleeting. There were only a few places left to search.
I have searched thousands of gas stations, drive thrus and other various mtn. Rope carrier for any kind of information. No wonder there was no more Dew. Luckily, the Taco Bell on Livingston Avenue was packed with Baja Blast, so I wasn’t thirsty. Otherwise we lived in a land without dew, and our champion of dew lost in battle.
A week passed before further information was presented.
The next morning, as I approached the well, I saw a figure wearing dark clothing and a familiar hat. It was bark! I ran towards him.
“He told me that he was on the run from Coca-Cola employees and that they are out to destroy the PepsiCo brand and its affiliates for good. He told me he was safe for now and that everyone should buy up any remaining Mtn. Dew or other PepsiCo products to continue the “good fight”.
We quickly dispersed so he could hide again. Our Mountain Dew hero is calling on all PepsiCo rebels to fight the Coca-Cola conglomerate, one drink at a time.
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