32 Causes Individuals Forgive Their Companions For Infidelity

Infidelity is a relatively common occurrence, estimated to occur in 20–25 percent of marriages and nearly 75 percent of dating relationships (Shrout & Weigel, 2020). As a result, the cheating partner may experience a variety of unfortunate symptoms, including post-traumatic stress symptoms, depression, and anxiety.

This is especially true if the unfaithful partner is attributing responsibility and if they had lower self-esteem to begin with (Shrout & Weigel, 2020).

While there are many common reasons not to forgive an unfaithful partner, recent research published in Adaptive Human Behavior and Physiology attempts to understand why people forgive their partner’s unfaithfulness. In the first of three studies, the researchers conducted 35-minute semi-structured interviews in a university laboratory with 40 participants, including 20 men and 20 women, with an average age of 33 years.

In the interviews, participants were asked to discuss the various reasons that motivated them to forgive. At the conclusion of each interview, an open-ended questionnaire on the subject was completed, asking the same participants to again list as many reasons for forgiving for infidelity as possible in order to add more detail.

The following 32 reasons were uncovered, broken down into four broad categories:

Reduced likelihood of future infidelity:

• When s/he shows me that s/he really regrets it.
• When infidelity was random and non-recurring.
• If s/he gives me a valid excuse.
• When she/he swears she/he won’t do it again.
• When s/he shows me that he/she really wants to be with me.
• When I love her/him.
• If it was the first time she/he did it.
• If she/he admits it on her own.
• If she/he only did it once.
• When she/he convinces me that she/he really loves me.
• If it was a frivolous act.
• If she/he was drunk when she/he did it.
• When we’ve been together for many years.
• If I believe that I have tempted her/him to be unfaithful with my actions.
• When we have a good time together.
• If she/he did it at the beginning of our relationship.

Dependence on partner:

• If I am financially dependent on her/him.
• If I can’t just find someone else.
• If I have no other accommodation.
• If I receive financial support from him/her.
• So no one else can get it from me.
• When I’m used to being with her/him.
• When my family urged me to forgive her/him.
• So as not to waste everything I’ve invested in this relationship.
• When I am old.
• When she/he threatens suicide.
• If she/he is seriously ill.

Children:

• When my children ask me to forgive her/him.
• When we have small children together.
• When we have children together.

Participant’s own infidelity

• If I intend to cheat on him/her.
• If I had cheated on him.

A follow-up study with 722 participants (374 women, 348 men with a mean age of 33 years). In the sample, 35.7 percent of the participants were married, 34.3 percent were single, 24.7 percent were in a relationship, 5.0 percent were divorced, and 0.3 percent were widowed. Participants had an average of 0.8 (SD = 1.1) children.

Participants were asked to rate on a scale of one to five “how each of the following reasons has motivated you in the past or could motivate you in the future to forgive your partner when they cheat on you” out of the 32 reasons discovered in the study 1

Women found were more likely than men to say they were motivated because they had no other place to live or “so as not to waste everything I’ve invested in this relationship,” and participants who had more children were more likely to give birth as a motivating factor to forgive their partner.

The researchers then conducted a third study, in which they replicated the methods of the second study, but with a different sample, and also administered a personality test. The results showed that older people were more likely to forgive infidelity, and that those with higher scores on the Agreeable Personality Measure were generally more forgiving of infidelity.

While the research is based on self-reported data associated with notable biases, it’s still interesting to discover the myriad reasons people are motivated to forgive their partner’s infidelity — including their own!