What constitutes cheating?
I am continually fascinated by the blurry views that surround infidelity. What is acceptable to one is a deep betrayal to another. From what I’ve asked around, for some, “a flirtatious interaction devolves into cheating in penetrative sex.” For others, “emotional cheating is far worse than anything physical.” Two members of a couple gave me radically different answers, leading to an argument that I’m sure is still ongoing.
Nobody could tell me what cheating is is, but most people had an intuitive sense of where their comfort zone ended with person-to-person cross-pollination. The difficult thing about cheating is that while you know your line in the sand, there is no guarantee your lover’s line will sit in the same spot.
This ambiguity is particularly strong in a world of cell phones and the internet. Social media, shame-free access to porn, and the ability to send disappearing messages provide additional fertile ground for fidelity issues.
Some women I’ve spoken to feel deeply hurt when partners watch porn or like tanned and educated Instagram models’ pics. At first glance, this may seem controlling and prudish. But given how women’s sexuality is portrayed in much of porn and pop culture, I can understand why it feels like a betrayal.
Why we cheat
Adultery has been around since the ideas of marriage and monogamy were invented, but this extremely common act is still poorly understood. When I asked people why they cheated, a murky pool of answers emerged. Some were in happy relationships. Others were unsatisfied. Some had lashed out in response to frustration with their partner. Some experienced transformative personal growth as a result of the illicit relationship or encounter. Even in open relationships there were affairs.
When I broached the subject at a dinner party, the conversation immediately created a chill and I was struck by how many people stood on both sides of the story. I’ve heard from countless people of all identities who have resigned themselves to seeing apronism as unfortunate but inevitable. Some women saw female affairs as a rebellion against a culture that has normalized male infidelity, labeling lovers “do-it-yourselfers.”
The Ugly Truth
In the wake of the infidelity, the focus on the trauma of the event seems to distract from an attempt to uncover the motives and meaning behind it. Affairs can counterintuitively teach us a lot about relationships. They reveal our personal and cultural attitudes toward love, lust, and devotion—concepts that have changed dramatically over the last century.
Despite this, we rarely recognize or seize this opportunity to move forward after the affair. Maybe because we have to face the feelings and insecurities that people are so adept at avoiding. Perhaps because confessions are so often met with a kind of anger that forbids conversation.
Psychotherapist Esther Perel says, “One of the most uncomfortable truths about an affair is that what can be an agonizing betrayal for partner A, for partner B it can be an opportunity for change.”
The revelation of an affair forces couples to grapple with troubling questions: What does fidelity mean to us? Can you love more than one person at the same time? Can we learn to trust each other again? How do we negotiate our emotional needs and our erotic desires? Does passion have a shelf life? And can one relationship ever meet all of our needs?
A new loyalty limit?
towards the end The worst person in the world, Julie and her ex-partner reconnect. Sitting under a leafy tree, he asks if she met anyone else before their relationship ended. she confesses. What happens next is a moment of humility; she’s honest, and though she’s upset, he’s empathetic. She validates him by confirming what he has recognized to be true, and he relieves her of the guilt she seems to bear.
To all of this, some respond with, “To hell with monogamy!” But I’m not arguing against monogamy. I may not be developed enough for an open relationship. Most of us are not. Nor do I trust our ability or desire to give up the forbidden. Why I’m not arguing against monogamy is that part of great moments, I’m afraid, is having both.
When it comes to infidelity, you’re on one side until you’re on the other. So I think a healthy dose of compassion can go a long way.
If you want to delve deeper into this topic, I suggest reading Mating in Captivity or State of Affairs by Esther Perel.
Follow Caroline Moreau-Hammond on Instagram and listen to her podcast, The Philosophy Of Sex.
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