The consequences of infidelity are numerous, and it’s only natural to want to know why your partner cheated, even if it doesn’t bring you any relief to know why. There could be a number of reasons, and there are many types of infidelity and cheating that could shed some light on these reasons.
What is infidelity?
Infidelity or cheating is being unfaithful to a spouse or other partner. Typically, it means entering into sexual or romantic relationships with someone other than your significant other, breaking a commitment or promise.
Each case of infidelity is different and meets a different need. Although knowing why a partner cheated probably won’t ease any pain you’re feeling, being able to rationalize and define the behavior will ease some confusion. It can also help you feel more confident about how to get out of the situation — whether that means working to heal your relationship or moving on if you decide to break up.
Learn more about the five types of cheating below and what to do if you are a victim of infidelity.
opportunistic infidelity
Opportunistic infidelity occurs when someone is in love and committed to their partner but gives in to their sexual desire for someone else. Typically, this type of cheating is driven by situational circumstances or opportunity, risky behavior, and alcohol or drug use. As social psychologist Theresa E. DiDonato says, “Not every act of infidelity is premeditated and driven by dissatisfaction with a current relationship… They may have been drinking or otherwise gotten into an opportunity they didn’t anticipate.”
The more in love a person is with their partner, the more guilt they will experience as a result of their sexual encounter. However, guilt tends to fade as the fear of being caught subsides.
Mandatory infidelity
This type of infidelity is based on the fear that resisting a person’s sexual advances will lead to rejection. People can have feelings of sexual desire, love, and attachment for a partner, but they still end up cheating because of a strong need for approval. Additionally, their need for approval can cause them to act in ways that are at odds with their other feelings. In other words, some people cheat not because they want to cheat, but because they need the approval that comes with the attention of others.
Romantic infidelity
“Sometimes (but not always) a deficit in an existing relationship leads people to have extradyadic affairs,” says DiDonato. This type of infidelity occurs when the cheater has little emotional connection with their partner. They may be committed to their marriage and making it work, but they long for an intimate, loving connection with someone else. Most likely, her commitment to marriage will prevent her from ever leaving her spouse. Romantic infidelity means pain for the other man or woman and the cheating partner – it rarely turns into a long-term, committed relationship. Marital problems must be quite severe before a spouse leaves the marriage for someone else.
Contradictory romantic infidelity
This type of infidelity occurs when people experience genuine love and sexual desire for more than one person at a time. Despite our idealistic notion of only having one true love, it is possible to experience intense romantic love for multiple people at the same time. While such situations are emotionally possible, they are very complicated and tend to generate a lot of anxiety and stress. In this case, cheating partners, in their attempt to avoid harming anyone, often end up hurting everyone.
memory of infidelity
This type of infidelity occurs when a person is in a committed relationship but has no feelings for their partner. There is no sexual desire, love or attachment, only a sense of obligation holds the couple together. “Lack of love and lack of commitment to a current romantic partner are both associated with overall feelings of relationship dissatisfaction,” says DiDonato.
These people justify cheating by telling themselves they have the right to seek what they are not getting in their current relationship. Unfulfilled sexual desires can easily come into play here. “Maybe people in their established relationship aren’t concerned with frequency of sex, sex style, or specific sexual behaviors they want,” adds DiDonato. “This may add to their reasons for cheating.”
For the sake of appearances, it is important that the current relationship lasts. The cheater doesn’t want to be seen as a failure, so they stay in an unhappy relationship and try to get their needs met outside of the relationship.
Next steps after being scammed
Now that your confusion is hopefully cleared, it’s up to you to decide what steps to take next. Marriages and relationships can survive infidelity, but whether yours survives or not depends on the type of infidelity that occurred and how much work you both are willing to put in. It’s just common sense to know that an opportunistic scammer will cheat no matter how many times their cheating is discovered and forgiven. However, all the other reasons your spouse cheated doesn’t mean he won’t cheat again. So keep that in mind when deciding what steps to take next.
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