Financial infidelity is a really actual type of dishonest; Gambling dependancy and crypto make it worse

When it comes to why people commit financial infidelity, there are many reasons. “One partner may be earning more than the other and feel they don’t ‘need’ to disclose earnings or investments,” explains Olson, “another might feel a lack of control in the relationship and strain through clandestine purchases; someone else may be unhappy with their partner’s attitude toward money and want to treat themselves.”

While financial infidelity can of course wreak havoc on a couple’s finances, lying—especially when a significant amount of money is involved—can also lead to feelings of distrust and betrayal, potentially damaging the relationship by up to or more than actual infidelity.

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34-year-old Niamh* from Belfast found her husband Terry*’s financial infidelity had resulted in him racking up almost £50,000 worth of gambling debts. As well as draining his daughter’s savings account, Terry lied about his earnings by deducting £10,000 from his actual earnings and betting £3,000 a month of the hidden amount. According to Niamh, he found it pretty easy to hide everything because he “came into the marriage with a small amount of debt.” Because of this, the couple decided to keep their finances separate – Terry paid rent and bills while Niamh paid expenses – meaning neither had access to the other’s accounts. After Terry got a promotion at work, Niamh urged him to apply for a mortgage, but after a heated back-and-forth, Terry finally admitted his debt.

“Couples should set aside time each month to talk about finances — much like going on a financial date.”

Gambling is a particularly tricky form of financial infidelity because it involves significant levels of social shame and can often become an addiction. Up to 2.7 per cent of adults in the UK are problem gamblers, according to a 2020 survey, but only three per cent of those affected seek help. The problem particularly affects men, who are seven and a half times more likely than women to develop an unhealthy gambling habit — whether hidden or not, this can have a detrimental effect on the sufferer’s finances, family and romantic relationships, and mental health.

Additionally, Emily Garbinsky, associate professor of marketing at Cornell University and another co-author of the 2019 study, not only has negative effects on relationship quality, but also says financial infidelity can create “a negative feedback loop.” She explains, “The more someone gets involved, the more the relationship suffers, which in turn leads to you continuing to hide your financial behavior from your partner.” To avoid this, Garbinsky advises couples to “take special time each month take to talk about finances – similar to a financial rendezvous”.

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Despite having a previous financial transgression, she has not lied about money since discovering Louise’s £10,000 debt. “The problem has not recurred because we have it regularly [conversations]. about our finances,” says Paul.

For those on the other side of the problem — hiding expenses or debt from their partner — Olson says the best thing to do is not just stay clean, but plan the conversation ahead of time. “Talking about money can be very stressful, so planning a specific time and place will help each partner prepare,” she explains. “Remember, you’re in this together, so it’s not about ‘you versus me,’ it’s about ‘us.'”

For all its sins, social media can often provide people with a safe haven to sow the seeds of those IRL talks. Informative posts on TikTok and confessionals on Reddit not only draw attention to the phenomenon—and give it a name for many—but give perpetrators and victims a much-needed space to anonymously share their stories and seek advice, and do so without shame and stigma. With any luck, this will encourage more people to be honest with their partner and more honest with themselves.

*Names have been changed

For those struggling with debt or gambling, you can seek help from charities including progress, National Debt Limitor GamCare.