Stop normalizing cheating
Natalia Spritzer / Daily Nexus
The sex, intimacy, love, and desire that we experience in relationships have power. This power comes from a certain vulnerability that is mutually accepted throughout the development of a relationship. When we love or open up, uncovering and addressing our mistakes and worries or intimate details of our life, we are giving another person an opportunity to hurt us and just trusting that they will not.
Cheating, or infidelity, is an act of betrayal that often breaks the trust that a healthy, growing relationship requires. Although cheating cannot mean that our partner has lost all previously possessed feelings for us, I urge us to deviate from the normalization and acceptance of cheating, not only because it is, among other things, disrespectful and hurtful behavior, but above all, because so it is an act that can easily be avoided with a little respect and communication.
We are driven by love and desire in our relationships and in all relationships; It is important that each person be open and honest not only with their partners but also with themselves about these factors. Psychotherapist Esther Perel, known for her work with erotic intelligence, emphasizes the difference between love and desire by explaining: “If there is a verb that goes with love, it is ‘have’. And if there is one verb that comes with desire, it is “want”. In love we want to have, we want to know the beloved. We want to minimize the distance … We want closeness. But out of longing, we tend not to really go back to the places we have already been. Forgotten conclusions do not keep our interest. In longing we want someone else, someone on the other side, whom we can visit, with whom we can spend some time … In longing we want to cross a bridge. In other words: fire needs air. Desire needs space. “‘
Until then, there can be many factors that lead to someone cheating or cheating on their partner. Often times, when someone has been betrayed, their first reaction is to assume that their partner no longer loves them or has the feelings they had for them before. Many people wonder why they weren’t enough and, depending on the intimacy and closeness of the relationship, begin to question every aspect of themselves.
While it is easier to fall into these assumptions, these thoughts can often place us in a worse position than when we look at the situation objectively. Because being cheated on doesn’t necessarily mean that they have lost all of the feelings they had before. However, this important admission does not justify infidelity.
A scammer realizes that his partner is hurt by his actions and makes a conscious decision to move on. It is this disrespect and lack of consideration for a partner’s feelings that make cheating unacceptable.
I was actually cheated on, and although the cheating didn’t end my six-year relationship at first, I felt the situation and the pain that would have resulted from the situation could have been avoided if my friend had spoken to me at the time that he was no longer wanted to be in a committed relationship. The words are hard to get out at first, but for someone who really cares about their partner, regardless of the level of intimacy, they need to acknowledge how their partner would feel if they cheated on them instead of addressing the situation and not knowing it speaking leads to a worse result.
That’s not to say that fulfilling your desires will rid your partner of all the pain that is a by-product of the relationship. There is a chance that your partner will be hurt if you end one relationship to pursue another, but there are feelings of closure that come with a discussion that does not go with betrayal. Treason is a disregard for a partner’s feelings. A scammer realizes that his partner is hurt by his actions and makes a conscious decision to move on. It is this disrespect and lack of consideration for a partner’s feelings that make cheating unacceptable.
Part of this problem arises from changing conventional relationships. What is considered “acceptable” today? Millennials are constantly in limbo, wrestling between what feels right and what has been established as right. In a relationship, it’s okay to want what you want, but you have to be able to admit that a relationship takes two; You need to communicate and be clear while also considering what your partner wants.
As more Millennials break up, so-called “unconventional” relationships become the norm. It’s okay to have an open relationship. It’s okay to be friends with benefits or to date casually, but it’s not okay to commit to someone and act differently before starting a conversation. Not talking is no excuse.
I don’t think we should normalize cheating, we should normalize other types of relationships as long as the people involved are 100 percent aware of the relationship. We must hold ourselves, our friends, our colleagues, and our loved ones accountable. Avoiding cheating is not that difficult, and the more we apologize to one another, the more likely this behavior is to continue.
Aryana Kamelian pleads with individuals to consider the grave negative consequences that can result from infidelity.
Fraud isn’t that bad
Natalia Spritzer / Daily Nexus
I’ll start with a disclaimer: I’ve never cheated on anyone, and I never hope so. I don’t think one should try to cheat anyone, but with this article I want to point out that cheating is not something that makes you a bad person.
Look at polyamorous people (those in more-than-two-person relationships with different configurations) for having an interesting view of the subject. Not to generalize, but within the polyamorous community there is something known as “comparison”. Compersion is the good feeling you get when your partner has happy romantic feelings for someone else. The answer to your partner’s statement, “I slept with someone else today!” Is good for you! “Ridiculous, isn’t it ?! Obviously, you should be unhappy about it, and make the person you supposedly love feel guilty because she’s having sex with someone else.She / he betrayed you after all.
But doesn’t that sound familiar? Do scarlet letters, witch burns and slut shame ring the same bells? They should. They’re based on the same uncomfortable feelings. I ask that if you ever have these feelings and you start to see cheaters as a lower class of people than less than moral, less than good, you let your thoughts go to the ages in history when you were adulterers executed. I ask you to think of the more than several countries which to this day designate death as the legal punishment for adultery.
And maybe you are thinking about what some people like to do to others that they think are less than moral, less than good. I am not hyperbolic. I’m just saying that when these feelings are mixed with power, they do great harm – far worse than two people having consensual sex – so they shouldn’t be fed or entertained. They shouldn’t be believed.
It is important to remember that people are not wired to monogamy, and it is unreasonable to expect that once you’ve made up your mind, you’ll be drawn to just that one person for the rest of your life.
If someone is cheating on you, it doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t love you. At least it means that they wanted to have sex and that someone else was there for them who also wanted to have sex. It could absolutely mean more, and I think this is something for you as a couple to find out. Talk. Being there for eachother. And if you can’t, you should probably break up.
But most of the time, cheating is more of a symptom in a relationship than the illness. There is something that makes this person look elsewhere. Be it out of love, some kind of connection, or even an escape, the relationship should deal with this or risk becoming unstable.
It is important to remember that people are not wired to monogamy, and it is unreasonable to expect that once you’ve made up your mind, you’ll be drawn to just that one person for the rest of your life. That’s not how it works. Love doesn’t work like that. Love is not a decision made in a single instant; it’s an ongoing effort. Intimacy takes work. When you are in a relationship, you should speak openly about these feelings and desires. Whether it is your or your partner’s pretend they don’t exist is a form of cruelty. Hearts can break in silence. Resentment can fester. Then one day the love you had seems to explode. And it seems to be gone in an instant.
I understand that cheating harms people. I understand that it makes people feel betrayed and expendable by feeling like trash. And I think that’s terrible. It is terrible that people come out of unfaithful relationships with years of trust problems and residual pains, and I think the guilt rests on all of our shoulders.
It is our responsibility to talk about fraud without stigmatizing any group of people, scammers, or scammers. We should recognize that jealousy comes from a selfish and possessive place, and we should remember that sex is (pretty) universal. Everyone may be attracted to someone other than who they are already with, but that doesn’t mean the love you already have is reduced in any way. We should have more realistic expectations of ourselves and those we love. A person’s self-esteem should not rely on a person’s loyalty, because loyalty is not the same as love. Love is a bridge that is built every day through openness and understanding.
Konrad Bothcutt calls for an understanding approach to infidelity, which humanizes fraudsters and recognizes the legitimate roots of the problem.
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