The question was blunt: should he tell his child why he divorced their cheating mother?
I answered “yes” without hesitation.
Why should I so readily say yes to that question?
Why do you have to tell your kids your marriage ended because of infidelity?
So that you don’t fall victim to them. So that they don’t have to mourn twice. So that open and honest communication is very important to you, even when it is hurtful.
You may think it’s just too difficult to say something that could cause pain to your children. However, when a family breaks up, they are already hurt and looking for answers.
Why do children ask why? The answers simply help them understand the world.
Curiosity promotes understanding, reduces uncertainty, and increases trust and security.
The truth will help them grieve faster and come to a healthy acceptance.
Although your instinct is to protect her from the why in the event of infidelity, and your instinct to protect her is admirable, the outcome can be unintentionally devastating.
Children may learn the truth at a later date or from another party and be forced to come to terms with the fact that you lied to them. And let’s call it what it is: confusing.
It sends a message that you were okay with being dishonest, but not your spouse. Your child holds you both to the same standard — and now you’ve betrayed your child’s trust, too.
Broken trust is challenging and sometimes impossible to repair.
This does not mean that they are entitled to know the details. Trust me, they don’t want to know anything about their parents’ sex lives. However, they want to be seen and heard as a valuable member of the newly structured family.
Sharing the truth about the reason for the uninvited change removes any self-blaming questions they might be thinking about.
Now that you know why you need to tell your kids the reason for your divorce, here are 5 ideas to help you break the news.
1. Invite the other parent to participate.
Well, that’s what many experts would say. I say this is an individual decision and is only recommended if you can work together in the best interests of the children.
This conversation is about being transparent with the kids at a time when deception has abounded in marriage. Let’s face it, most likely there isn’t much collaboration going on right now.
However, if you can get to the same page, do so. If not, acknowledge that you have a relationship with your children that is separate from your spouse and they have one that is separate from you.
Let the other parent know what you are sharing and how the child is reacting so they can prepare, ideally using the same rules below to support the children in their solo conversation.
2. Prepare your head.
Ideally, you will have a coaching or therapy session that will help you process your own emotions, eliminate any self-interest, and be equipped with the age-appropriate language and definitions to convey the truth in the most compassionate way for everyone.
It’s not about judging or punishing the other parent, so put hostility aside. The goal is to be honest with your children and what they learn from it. It is about the choice of cheating spouse and that the choice has consequences.
Be prepared to explain why this decision hurt you and how it will change your life and the way you interact with each other.
You must state very clearly that this does not change the fact that both parents love the children and that the children will continue to love both parents.
3. Prepare your heart.
Despite mental preparation, talking to your children about the reason for divorce can trigger your emotions. This is normal, and it’s okay if your kids see you sad or even angry.
It’s healthy for them to know you feel because they will feel things too. It’s what you do because of your emotions that sends a loud and clear message to them about how to deal with conflict and negative experiences.
Just know that part of being honest is sharing how you’re feeling with them.
When the conversation triggers, focus on how you feel about crossing the marriage line, the loss of trust, or feeling like you are all going through this difficult time — not the parents.
4. Take responsibility for your part in the marital failure.
Infidelity is a symptom of a deeper problem. Reflect and find your role in the marriage decline.
This does not mean that you are responsible or that you should take the blame for your spouse’s decisions. It simply means taking responsibility in the partnership for what worked and what didn’t.
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However, if you show your children that you are willing to take responsibility for themselves in the relationship, they will learn to do the same when faced with something difficult in their future.
Assure them that you will also take responsibility for your healing and forgiveness.
5. Validate their feelings.
Recognize and acknowledge the emotions that come up in your children, whether they are the same as or different from yours. It is common for them to also feel betrayed, lied to and cheated on.
Don’t minimize their feelings and make the experience about you. You might also be worried about the cheating parent and what prompted them to make such a decision.
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Don’t discount their concern. It’s a great time to show them that you are someone they can talk to about all the complexities of their feelings, including their fears and concerns.
Assure them of your love and support and that although it is a painful time for the whole family, everyone and everything will be fine.
It’s not easy to take the main road when you’ve been scammed.
Betrayal is one of the most hurtful human experiences. Let this motivate you to value honesty in all your relationships.
If your spouse had let you know that they were somehow vulnerable, they might not have been tempted to cheat. A different, albeit difficult, conversation might have led to a different outcome.
If this is your experience, using these rules to talk to your children about a parent’s infidelity will help create a deeper bond and a smoother transition for everyone involved.
After all, relationships don’t end, they are redefined. Defining your relationship with your children on a basis of honesty will lead to lifelong trust.
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Ann Papayoti, PCC, is an author, speaker, educator, and coach who helps people heal from their past, heal their hearts, and unlock their best life. To learn more about how she can help you, contact her at SkyView Coaching or get her co-authored intimate self-help book The Gift of Shift.
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