Lifelong relationships are powerful and hit velocity bumps — together with infidelity, which is not all the time a deal-breaker

Infidelity just got riskier. Do you know the phenomenon “Do we have the same friend?”? ASTSB online groups aimed at catching scammers allow women to post photos of their friends and get feedback on their dating history, including whether they might be seeing other people. Sort of a Tripadvisor review, but by men. Undoubtedly there are “players” out there; Serial adulterers who, if you’re hoping for monogamy, can certainly break your heart. However, infidelity is far more complex than the “fall in love, stay faithful forever” narrative would have us believe.

First, cheating is incredibly common. So common, in fact, that if we didn’t attach moral value to it, we would call it normal behavior. And it would probably be more prevalent if we didn’t moralize it, which probably puts some people off. Secondly, almost every example of cheating out there involves men. It’s men who are seen as the unfaithful sex, possibly because men prefer that line to stories about cuckolding, although rates of infidelity are similar for men and women – the latest studies suggest one in five men and one in seven women will stray. Although they can do this for different reasons.

Women cheat mainly because they are looking for something they are not getting in their relationship – often emotional intimacy. They also cheat to end relationships – they blast them with an affair in some kind of dysfunctional exit strategy or escape route.

Men cheat for sex, for that dopamine hit of arousal, and, in the case of serial adulterers, to satisfy an uncertain need within themselves that no single relationship can fulfill. Of course there is overlap. Men may seek emotional intimacy and women may seek excitement, but by and large these generalizations hold true. Many men also cheat with other men – men who want a straight lifestyle but are same-sex attracted. Often their partners have no idea.

Sex can mean anything or nothing different instances. Deep down we know this about our own sexual encounters, but we can have a hard time accepting this about our partners and often give them a lot of importance. But essentially, I’ve seen that people can forgive sex; the repeated lying that comes with it is much harder to get over. It leaves a lingering lack of trust that creates an unsettling insecurity in the betrayed.

And in my experience as a family doctor, the majority of couples get over the infidelity. It’s not nearly as much of a deal-breaker as you’d be led to believe, and on occasion it even makes the relationship better as it can force the couple to evaluate how they got into this position and what it is they really want . Affairs aren’t always the cause of the problem in a relationship — they’re often a symptom of it.

A couples psychotherapist once told me, “When we died young, marriages lasted about 20 years, which is probably about as long as you can take someone — we’re living so much longer now, we probably need about three relationships im.” course of our lives!”

I don’t know, but the truth is that lifelong relationships are extremely tough and we all encounter speed bumps during them, including infidelity. Perhaps you see it more as a fork in the road than an end point. There is also more than one way to respond to this. Many couples find their own private solutions.

A second opinion

There has rightly been a lot of talk about women’s health and menopause lately. Eventually I think the penny is dropping, that there’s more to it than hot flashes and sweats. But there has been much less talk about health issues affecting men of a similar age.

Men (who have a lower life expectancy than women) often find their health declining in middle age, with a significant increase in their risk of cardiovascular disease and cancer. Over 50 percent of men in their 50s suffer from some degree of erectile dysfunction.

But one issue that’s largely ignored when it comes to middle-aged men is their mental health. Suicide rates among males aged 40-59 are the highest of any age group in Ireland, although we often assume that this is a problem affecting young males.

Men in this age group often find it difficult to talk about their mental health, so they are particularly vulnerable as they do not seek help. They are also not always recognized as endangered, so there is often no suspicion that they are endangered. If this is you, you are not alone. Please call your GP or Pieta: toll-free (1800) 247-247.