Dear Annie: Back in the 90’s, before cell phones, I discovered that my husband was having an affair with the manager of a store he owned. It was like this for seven years and everyone knew about it, including their mothers and all the employees – everyone except me.
However, I had my suspicions. He came home late from work and I asked him where he had been. He claimed he was paying bills and the like. It seemed lazy, but I wasn’t good at putting the kids in the car and looking for it. However, one day I went to his store and walked into his office and they were both in there. Luckily they were fully clothed. But before they saw me, they touched and I knew it. I stood in the doorway, forcing her to walk past me. I screamed and threw something off his desk. Then he got on one knee and asked for forgiveness. He didn’t want to lose our children.
We both wanted to save our marriage.
That was the secret – many discussions that led to changes on both sides. Marriage counseling and hard work and not taking each other for granted were essential in our journey to closeness again. And I forgave him. He lost his manager but saved our marriage. 25 years later, married a total of 40 years and we’re still good. Both parties must want to stay in the marriage and there must be open communication. It won’t work for everyone.
I tried to keep our kids out of it. They didn’t know for many years. They were very hurt, but I hope they have forgiven their father. I’ve also tried to change my behavior. In the past I’ve raised my voice too many times and gotten angry that he worked so much and didn’t help with the kids as much as I would have liked.
No one is 100% at fault in a relationship. Take a good, honest look at yourself and see how you can make life better for your partner. – Glad we made it
Dear Happy, we made it: This is a wonderful story of your commitment and your husband’s commitment to keeping your marriage and family intact. The fact that you worked so hard to save your marriage and that you wanted to stay, and he wanted you to stay, is a tribute to both of you. Thank you for sharing your story. You will help other couples more than you think.
Dear Annie: I’ve never written to you, but the daughter who wrote as “Concerned about Mommy” whose mother is a couch potato and doesn’t engage in much social activity now that she’s retired could have described me. I had a very active career that I loved and worked on until I was 64. I love being retired and have taken many courses over many years. I lost interest in some for various reasons, started staying at home more and even turned down lunches with girlfriends.
I realized that I liked staying at home, enjoying my home and spending time with my very sweet husband. I am not depressed and very happy at this stage in my life. I also enjoy shopping, watching my favorite shows on TV, reading, trying new recipes and going for a walk every day. I’m 79 and very happy with my life. — Loving life
Dear love life: Thank you for your perspective. It’s entirely possible that “Concerned” is just not used to seeing her mom less active and on the go, like she’s about to retire. Although it’s new territory for both mother and daughter, it’s an exciting and liberating start to a new chapter. I hope the mother of Concerned enjoys it as much as you do.
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