My wife and I are best friends, but neither she nor I take the initiative to have sex. I recently became attracted to a co-worker and slept with her at an offsite meeting. I told my wife and she was upset. We’ve talked about not having sex, and yet there’s an apathy in both of us to initiate sex. I do not know what to do.
An apathetic approach to any challenge a couple faces leads to a gradual parting of paths that can transcend sexual disinterest and other alienations. Couples often lose touch with what originally brought them together. Some relationships also run a finite course. A happy bond between a couple is greatly strengthened by the friendship, loyalty, caring, respectful dialogue and trust they share. The fact that you had a sexual encounter with your co-worker meant that you craved something in your relationship that you couldn’t get, and so you chose to have those suppressed urges addressed in a way that which might be frowned upon and seen as moral offenses contrary to the tents of monogamy. To be discovered that one has distanced oneself from one’s partner is bound to have serious consequences that directly affect the health of the relationship, unless the partner’s forgiveness is genuinely sought. A visit to a relationship counselor will help you learn more about each other and perhaps also find a way to articulate needs while healing old wounds.
My cousin hinted that he wanted to have sex with me at a relative’s wedding. I keep thinking about her offer and then feel guilty for even considering it. How do I deal with these intrusive thoughts?
There is a qualitative difference between having a thought unintentionally, having a thought consciously, and responding to a thought. Responding to sexual impulses is not the same as having a sexual impulse. Acting on a sexual impulse can come with certain effects and stresses that are difficult to predict. If you want to have sex with your cousin sister, it would be considered a condemnable incestuous relationship in many families. However, in certain tribal societies, refugee populations, cultures, and island communities, it is customary, customary, and desired for cousins to marry each other to continue the bloodline. Much of what is said, done, and expected by individuals has much to do with behaviors learned through their cultures, families, and their exposure to institutionalized regimes of regimentation such as schools. When this is combined with a highly individualistic code of values that governs one’s life, one is predisposed to the often arduous exercise of dynamic decision-making with no guarantee of how things will turn out. Every decision comes with a cost. Will your sexual activity take you into an embarrassing and regretful spiral, or will it culminate in becoming her spouse? It depends on what culture you are an ambassador for and what choices you are emotionally ready to be held accountable for.
(Dr. Aman Rajan Bhonsle, Ph.D, is a consultant relationship counselor and youth mentor)
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Published on: Sunday 20 February 2022 07:00 IST
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