What’s monetary infidelity? How do you cope with it in your relationship?

infidelity, at its core, refers to when trust is broken in a relationship, and it doesn’t matter what form it takes — be it physical, emotional, or financial, it’s one of the most challenging experiences a couple can go through.

If your partner is having a physical affair, the relationship can end and you can start over; In some situations, the couple can reconcile and stay together if they wish.

However, if there has been financial infidelity In a marriage or partnership, you could get away with financial chaos that could last years clean up, especially if you live in a place where it’s not illegal to get into debt without telling your partner. And if you decide to stay together, there’s still a lot to clean up, both practically and emotionally.

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“There’s still a lot of cleanup to do, both practical and emotional.” (Getty Images/iStockphoto)

Financial infidelity can take many forms: It often takes the form of taking out credit cards or loans without a partner’s knowledge, developing a secret shopping problem, or confidentially borrowing money from friends or family. Money matters should ideally be completely transparent within a committed relationship; and if not, it really becomes a real infidelity problem.

When this issue arises and the couple is determined to stay together, it is crucial that both people agree on the following principles in order to move forward:

1. Be open, honest and empathetic

Share your money history openly so you can gain a deeper understanding of your partner’s financial patterns and the “why” behind their behavior.

While it won’t make past missteps go away, it does provide a sense of security in knowing that you can talk to your partner about anything, even if it’s something that involves feelings of shame. Working with a financial coach to understand both history and people’s unconscious money behaviors can be a good starting point to cultivate mutual empathy around money.

2. Commit to change

The person who has committed infidelity knows that they have extra work to do to regain their partner’s trust. There can be no more secrets if the relationship is to recover. Hopefully, over time, if this person is willing to be completely transparent and communicative, they will regain their partner’s trust.

“There can be no more secrets if the relationship is to recover.”

However, this process can be very emotional for couples, especially when they disagree on financial priorities. Both parties may have to make sacrifices to get out of a situation caused by an individual and that can be a difficult situation. In these situations it can be helpful to turn to a neutral, external consultant or coach to move forward.

3. Be consistent

A weekly finance meeting can be overwhelming, so I encourage couples to schedule a “money date” once a month. I find the best time to do this is when the bank and credit card statements come in. Together (and maybe with a glass of wine in hand) you can go through it all and make sure you’re both being honest about spending and staying on budget and on track as a couple.

Both parties may have to make sacrifices to get out of a situation caused by an individual and that can be a difficult situation. (Getty Images/iStockphoto)

This is the time to be really aware of your tone and intentions before you sit down. This is also the time to discuss what works and what doesn’t so changes can be made that both parties agree to.

Use a budgeting or tracking app to have all account activity uploaded automatically. These tools give both people access to their shared financial data, ensuring you’re on track to meet your shared budget goals.

4. Be patient

While it’s not possible to change the past, you can make the decision to move forward together and work toward a more confident future, but it will take time. Remember, the financial piece of a marriage is just that — a piece of the great, great collective puzzle of your relationship. We are all human beings with strengths and weaknesses, and a successful couple is one that acknowledges the flaws that exist and takes steps each day to be stronger and better for each other.

When love is there, I believe a couple can recover from financial infidelity and live together in a happy and trusting marriage for many more years. By becoming more financially literate and aware together, you actually eliminate opportunities for distrust, because knowledge is power.

Carrie Casden is the founder of Summit Financial.

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