Divorcees who fought the custody battle are calling for a greater evaluation of the households

SINGAPORE – Twelve years after her marriage, Sarah (not her real name) left her marital home with her two daughters because of mental and physical abuse.

After settling into her mother’s home, she filed a personal protection order against her husband, which culminated in their divorce in 2017.

Throughout the process, the 51-year-old said she tried to protect her daughters, ages seven and four, from the changes in their lives, even as she struggled with her spouse over child-handling arrangements.

After a psychologist assessed her family’s circumstances, Sarah said she was given care and control of her children in 2017, with visitation rights granted to her ex-husband.

However, as the children remained traumatized, she appealed the child-contact order, requesting that she be granted sole custody.

“Both my children and I were abused and we ended up walking out with nothing but the clothes on our backs.

“Even after we left, I wanted him to be a part of the kids’ lives. But every time they met him, they came back angry and torn over the conflict between their parents. I was frustrated and worried that a man who had abused his family might get visitation rights,” she said.

The family was advised to seek counseling but without much success. Sarah returned to court to seek sole custody of their children, which was granted in 2018.

While she supports initiatives to encourage co-parenting by divorced couples, Sarah said a better assessment of a family’s circumstances, including past incidents of abuse, is needed to determine what custody arrangements are in the best interests of the children.

While co-parenting might be the ideal outcome for all divorced couples, she added that it’s not feasible for every family.

“I realized after the whole custody battle that he didn’t make an effort to communicate with them, although he said he wanted to meet the kids. He also did not pay alimony and said he would rather go to jail than pay alimony. ” She said.

Sarah, who said she was the sole breadwinner during her marriage, currently runs a training business and supports divorce support groups to help other women in similar situations.

Her daughters, who are now 12 and 15, have not seen their father since 2017. Her ex-husband began paying $100 a month in child support for each child in 2020.

Sarah said: “Children need stability and that is what parents should consider as a priority when going through a divorce. It has taken my daughters seven years to recover from their experience. But I know that you still love your father. One day in the future, I hope both of them can have a good relationship with him.”