Published on: February 27, 2024 02:44 (EAT)
All custody matters lumped together as “baby-mama drama” can result in the parties becoming deeply fractured.
In several cases, a court decides in the best interests of the child.
Many would consider it a winner-takes-all scenario where mothers (who are often plaintiffs in such cases) gain custody of the child(ren) and a father is forced to financially support the renegade family.
Some parties will be lucky if they get joint custody of the children. But what happens if only the mother has custody and the father is only allowed to see the child/children for a few hours or on weekends and school holidays?
Who is the loser in the custody battle?
James*, who was embroiled in a lengthy and costly court battle that resulted in the loss of custody of his children, says minors are the biggest losers in such cases.
The 44-year-old businessman and father of two shares a personal story of his struggle to be in his children's lives despite losing custody of his children and encourages other fathers to do the same.
“It was messy and stressful, her mother retained sole custody. Looking back, it was the most emotional moment of my adult life. I was shocked, kind of numb. Luckily, I've come to terms with this over the years and can now focus on being a better father,” he tells Citizen Digital.
In James' case, the court found that the ex-wife was the more stable and appropriate parent for custody of the children.
It was also noted that she had a close relationship with her children and was therefore awarded sole custody because the judge considered the minors' best interests.
“I moved around a lot back then, I was able to support her financially, but her mother had a more down-to-earth work routine. It was challenging when my wife was transferred to another city, but I vowed to make it work for my children,” he says.
James has now made an agreement with his ex-wife whereby he will have visits from the children over the holidays and on weekends. He advises parents not to break ties with their children because their relationships didn't work.
“It was challenging at first, but we found a way to make it work for the benefit of our children. “Many men say they won't take care of the children because they'll look for them when they're older, but you miss out on witnessing their milestones and the opportunity to nurture them,” he said.
He also encourages all fathers to spend as much time as possible with their children and to nurture them from the ground up.
“Your children must be your first priority; I learned that there is absolutely nothing more important than her. There is no excuse, there is no situation where you can justify anything,” he advises.
In notable cases, judges are giving men sole custody of children, reversing the long-held view that only women are primary caregivers.
James advises parents who find themselves on the losing side of custody battles to put their feelings behind them. While losing custody of a child brings up many emotions, he finds that suppressing them is not a solution.
“You have to deal with them consciously, not ignore the feelings, not break off the relationship with your child out of anger, but be better.”
Moses* won custody of his son after what he called a very exhausting court battle.
According to Moses, he knew he had an uphill battle ahead of him because he had to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that the mother was unfit to raise the child or children.
“We separated three years ago and agreed that the child should stay with the mother. I would take care of everything from school fees to food to rent. She began to take financial advantage of the situation and every time I didn't fall for her plans, she denied me access to the child,” he recalls.
Although the mother stayed for days and left the child with the maid, he still did well in school and, on the surface, had no other problems. His teacher at the time testified that he was a successful student.
“I never speak negatively about my mother in front of my son. I have developed a parenting plan regarding visitation and vacation schedules between the two of us and so far it has worked. “It gives me so much joy to be part of my child’s life and watch him grow,” says Moses, who later received sole custody of his son.
According to him, he will never stop being there for his 11-year-old son. He points out that peaceful, consistent, and purposeful communication with your ex-partner is crucial to the success of co-parenting.
“Even though it may seem absolutely impossible. Everything starts with your mindset. Think about your child and how you can better advocate for them. Ask yourself how your actions and decisions will affect your child if you do this. You automatically make your child the center of your life,” he says
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