Lessons on child custody in different countries

Nobody gets married thinking that it might not work out in the end.

Certainly few people choose to have children with their partner with the idea that they are doing something other than raising them together.

The sad reality, as many of us already know, is that marriages and other domestic partnerships don’t always work out. This fact is hard and sad enough for any couple. If the partners come from two different countries and have no children, they can usually go their separate ways, even if this means moving back to their home country. It’s sad, but at least it offers the prospect of a fresh start.

However, when the couple have children and one of the parents wants to move to another country with them, things can get extremely complicated, adding an element of panic and horror to what would otherwise have been just old-fashioned pain.

In my case, fortunately, that wasn’t a problem: I knew I didn’t want to get married anymore, but I also knew that I wanted to stay where I was, in Xalapa, indefinitely. I have a nice group of friends here and I live well. This is my home and my child’s home.

And although my ex-husband and I had some disagreements before and after (especially after), he was and is an excellent father that I did not want to part with our daughter.

Despite this, things were tense and very difficult. As the sociological Thomas theorem puts it: “If [people] Define situations as real, they are real in their consequences.”

Either from the natural distrust that can arise after a breakup or from friends’ suggestions, I don’t know, but he was convinced that I would try to flee the country with our daughter in tow and refuse to return . I didn’t intend to do that, but I understood his fears: I’m sure many other people have done it before.

Nothing I said could convince him that this was not my plan and out of fear he asked me for sole custody of our daughter with the short visit schedule we had already agreed on. I thought about it, but in the end I came to the conclusion that it was definitely a bad idea.

It took three and a half years and much drama and hand-wringing before we were finally able to legally set things in stone.

Not being able to put a period at the end of that sentence felt like torture, but honestly it was nothing compared to what the people around me were going through. A few cautionary tales:

1. A friend in the US married a Mexican woman, took her and their children to Mexico on vacation, and then returned to work early. Then he received an email saying that she wanted a divorce and that they would stay in Mexico forever. When he quit his job and moved to Mexico to be closer to them (and his incredibly high child support payments dropped significantly), she accused him of abuse and campaigned hard to ensure he only see his children on court-supervised visits could .
2. A Canadian woman I know had two children with her Mexican partner and traveled to Canada for a month when her father was dying. When she came back, she found that she had been accused of abandoning her. The father had taken her and persuaded a judge (probably financially) not to allow her to see them.
3. A local friend, who is Mexican, recently received a message from her children’s father that he would not bring them back to her unless she agreed to pay a certain percentage of her private school fees before blocking her (fortunately he has bluffed and). gave it back to her at the regular time).

These examples – unfortunately there are many more – should not prevent you from entering into relationships or children with people from other countries. However, if the parents are from two different countries, there are a few things you should definitely be aware of.

1. Think of the worst case scenarioAnd speak about the worst case scenario with your partner. Of course, if there are incidents of abuse, that’s a given (just make sure you have actual evidence). But what if you just want to end the relationship? Unfortunately, I’ve seen many cases where one or both ex-partners have attempted to take advantage of their children, either through parental alienation or through visitation restrictions (often both). As in all areas of life, communication is key to success and planning is paramount. If you can, write down and sign off on a “worst case scenario” plan. It could save you.
2. Do you know the law. While in the past one parent was always required to have sole custody, most states now allow joint custody (which I have with my daughter’s father). This may not be the right solution for every family, but it’s important to know that it’s an option. And when it comes to kids getting divorced in Mexico, they’re the ones who have the right: to be able to see both parents, to be fed, clothed, housed, educated, and entertained… a judge won’t approve a divorce without ensure that children’s rights are respected. Another important aspect of the law: you cannot move with your child without the other parent’s permission (even if you have sole custody), and you certainly cannot flee the country with your child without the other parent’s permission: This is international kidnapping.
3. Know the limits of the law. We know that it is relatively easy to circumvent the law in Mexico and that manipulation of results, particularly through bribery, is also common. Unfortunately, when this happens, the wheels of justice can turn very slowly, and sometimes not at all. When adults are extremely upset, they are able to take hurtful actions in ways never thought possible, blind to the fact that they are hurting their own children as well. For example, an acquaintance had an ex-husband who chose a psychologist to get her kids to say she was abusive (although). He had thrown her leaving the house in the middle of the night and locking the door). Although he is very wealthy, he has sole custody of their children and she has to pay him half of her meager earnings as child support. Money gives people a lot of freedom to manipulate the justice system, including in family courts.

Again, it is not my intention to frighten or discourage you. But on the other side of a difficult situation—my own and someone else’s—it’s always better to be prepared. Mexicans are famous for their passion; Remember that it can swing to the opposite side.

Sarah DeVries is a writer and translator based in Xalapa, Veracruz. She can be reached through her website, sarahedevries.substack.com.

Disclaimer: The views expressed in this article are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Mexico News Daily, its owner, or its employees.