Q. In 2015, my husband began an affair with a colleague. Of course, he denied any sexual relationship with her, but he is an avid photographer and his claim has been debunked. He also deals with sex workers; ditto a movie. I only know these facts from reviewing the evidence on the SD card in his camera. Thanks to our shared Apple account, I was privy to a lot of information.
After two years of this behavior, which basically used up every penny of his (our) pension money (I had my own investments), I moved to another part of the country because he wouldn’t stop. I moved out with the intention of divorcing him, but never did. He broke up with her within two weeks of my departure. The thought of paying him alimony kept me from divorcing him. I’m still working and paying off half of our mortgage on the house he lives in. We see each other maybe two or three times a year.
I don’t love him and I really enjoy being alone. I feel like moving back to him would be a step in the wrong direction. I haven’t had sex with anyone. I’ve rekindled some old friendships and I really don’t care if I ever get back with anyone. I told him I wanted to work until I was 70 and then retire. He’s ready to move to where I am, but luckily my current circumstances don’t allow for that.
I regret not biting the bullet when I went and got a divorce. Now I feel that time and distance are on my side. Is it worth getting a divorce to put this behind you for good?
STILL MARRIED
A. Meet with a divorce lawyer to get more information about what this would require of you. You can do this via Zoom if the divorce needs to be done in your husband’s state.
Frankly, there is good spiritual reason to go through with the process. Your letter makes it clear that you long to get 100 percent out of your relationship — so you don’t have to worry about your ex showing up on your doorstep and saying, “But we’re still married.” You seem to be walking around and feeling like you have an invisible connection to your past. You’re ready to cut that cord.
An attorney should be able to tell you if initiating a divorce will expose you to new financial vulnerabilities. You’re already paying for some of your ex’s expenses, but would that involve more complicated billing? I think it could be very simple and even protect you, but I’m no expert. you would have to ask.
The attorney session should propel you in one direction or another. You might feel more confident about going all out to make this official, or you might end up saying, “Wow, that sounds like too much work.”
I hope it sounds like a good thing because… you want to be single. It sounds like this connection is holding you back. Why not have what you desire?
It’s worth it if it improves your quality of life and mental health. Get the information you need. If possible, look at a few lawyers for comparison.
MEREDITH
READER ANSWERS:
Contact an attorney now so you have your facts straight. You may overestimate your obligations to him.
LUPELOVE
You didn’t want to make child support payments, but essentially do since you’re still paying for the house. Staying married means you can never move on emotionally.
ASH
Considering he (her) burned his retirement money, maybe she won’t owe him anything in the end. He might even owe her money if he wants to stay indoors, which he probably can’t afford.
THEREALMIGHTY ZEESUS
I am a woman who had to pay off my husband – who cheated on me – in our divorce. I didn’t have to pay him alimony, but I did have to pay him a nice chunk of my 401(k) that I earned during the marriage. It was worth the headache to be free of him. Just peel off the patch and cut loose.
BABYINTHECKE
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