“My Ex Took My Kids”: Hope for Divorced Parents as Japan Allows Joint Custody of Children

• By Shaimaa Khalil
• Tokyo correspondent

May 17, 2024, 08:02 BST

image description, Minako (right) and her daughter lived apart for years

Japan's parliament has approved a change to a decades-old law that will allow divorced couples to share custody of their children from 2026.

Traditionally, custody is awarded to a single parent, who can then completely deprive the other parent of access to their children.

Until Friday, Japan was the only G7 country that did not recognize the legal concept of joint custody.

Most divorces in Japan occur through “amicable divorce,” where both parties sign a document and mutually end the marriage.

In this scenario, lawyers say, the couple is free to decide on custody and visitation arrangements. However, if both parties go to court, the judge will award custody to one parent.

This system has been criticized by divorced parents who say it has alienated them from their children.

Minako Sato* is one of them.

When Ms. Sato moved into her elderly mother's house to help out for a few months, she and her ex-husband agreed that he would bring their then 10-year-old son and 5-year-old daughter to visit on weekends.

This agreement lasted about a month and a half. But Ms Sato said she noticed her former husband had changed – he had become quieter and more distant.

“He stopped talking to me when he dropped the kids off at my mother’s house,” she said.

“At first I thought he was tired from driving. I didn’t understand what was going on.”

He then told her he would no longer bring the children to her every weekend, claiming his mother had called her a bad influence.

“Whoever takes the child gets custody”

“He said if I got any closer to the (family) house he would call the police. I was afraid to go near… (in case) he became violent or told lies (about me) to the police.”

She tried to call the home her husband and children shared with her mother-in-law, but her calls were blocked. Desperate to see her daughter, she decided to show up anyway.

“I went to talk to my mother-in-law – I thought maybe she could talk to him to get me home.”

Instead, her mother-in-law called the police.

“Five or six police officers came. They said they wouldn't let me go unless I went with them to the station,” Ms. Sato said.

She was there for three hours with her daughter, who got into the police car with her.

This would be the longest time she would spend with her daughter in years – before her estranged husband and his lawyer picked up the child.

“In the end the police officer said he was sorry but there was nothing he could do to help me.”

After being separated from her children for two years, Ms. Sato learned that her ex-husband had been granted sole custody of the children.

“I knew then that whoever took the child would get custody,” she said. “I knew it was coming.”

Akira Ueno, a lawyer who specializes in parental child abduction cases, told the BBC that this system dates back to before World War II and was based on the idea that children were “property of the household” and the head of the household household is a man.

“So if the woman gets a divorce, she ends up being kicked out of the house while the child stays with the father,” Mr. Ueno explains.

This later changed, as women in particular became the primary carers of their children – with sole custody now resting with the mother in most cases.

image source, Getty Images

image description, Ai Fukuhara (right) from Japan and Hung-Chieh Chiang made headlines after he accused them of kidnapping their son

Last year the laws came into the spotlight again when Japanese table tennis star Ai Fukuhara was accused by her ex-husband of kidnapping their son.

Chiang Hung-Chieh, a Taiwanese table tennis player, said they filed for divorce several years ago and reportedly agreed to share custody while in Taiwan.

But after returning to Japan with her son, she cut off contact with Chiang and refused to take her son back to Taiwan. Earlier this year, the duo announced they had reached an agreement – almost two years later.

But not everyone is happy with the new law on shared custody.

Some women's rights advocates say the new bill would force women who have accused their husbands of domestic violence to maintain relationships with them.

“If you introduce the shared custody system, victims of domestic violence and children who have been victims of abuse will be under the control of the abuser. They can’t escape,” said lawyer Harumi Okamura.

Ms. Okamura has years of experience with cases where women took their children and fled domestic violence and abusive marriages. She adds that these women feel that they can only raise their children if they are free from the abusive partner.

However, other lawyers told the BBC that joint custody and domestic abuse should not be confused.

“Dear mom, how are you? I haven’t seen you in years.”

A year and a half after her divorce proceedings, Ms. Sato learned that her two children had moved out of her family home.

She went online and found the house was listed for sale.

“One day I came by and there was nothing there. No car, no bikes, nothing. I didn't know what to think. I didn’t know where they were going,” she said.

Ms. Sato said she contacted the police to report that her children had been kidnapped, but they only said that her children were fine and with their father and that her ex-husband did not want to that she would find out where they were – they couldn't tell her.

“I don’t have a restraining order against me. By law I should be able to see my children. I should be able to know where they live.” She said.

If a divorce dispute between parents lasts more than a year and the child permanently resides with one parent, this becomes an important factor in the judge's decision on who gets custody, explains Mr. Ueno.

“Whoever takes the child first has an advantage,” Ueno said.

image description, Ms Sato's son (right) and daughter were only ten and five years old when the separation occurred

While Japan's criminal law has a clear criminal code for the “abduction of minors,” the interpretation becomes much more unclear when it comes to a parent's abduction of one's own child. Lawyers say authorities are generally not treating this as a kidnapping.

“In Japan it's called 'child alienation' or living apart with children – and it's tolerated,” Mr Ueno said.

“The police do not intervene and say it is a matter between spouses. She doesn't intervene. This is a cultural norm in Japan.”

Visitation rights are also not a legal right in Japan and are at the discretion of a judge.

For Ms. Sato, her first attempt to secure visitation with her children failed after a judge rejected her request on the grounds that there was a deep dispute between her and her soon-to-be ex-husband.

Ms. Okamura explains that in most cases, judges only approve visitation if they determine it is beneficial to the child. And if these meetings are granted, they will take place under supervision.

After being completely cut off from her children for three and a half years, Ms. Sato was finally granted visitation with her children in August last year.

“I tried to see my children for three years,” she said through tears. “I was so tired then.”

The first meeting was a trial visit – Ms. Sato, her son and daughter were in the same room for the first time in years – but in court and under court supervision.

She was given 30 minutes to speak with them and was told that she was not allowed to ask anything specific about her life, where she lived, where she went to school, or the names of her friends.

She wasn't given a specific reason for why she had to limit herself to “limited questions,” but added that she had heard other divorced parents being told similar things.

“My daughter was very quiet. I think she's been shy for three and a half years. But she said she always wanted to see me and that she loved me.”

Her daughter also showed her a letter that said: Dear Mom, how are you? I'm worried because I haven't seen you for four to three years. I became a third grader and have many friends. I love you and I want to see you soon!”

Ms. Sato smiles when she talks about her son, now a teenager.

“I asked him 'Is that you?' three or four times because he had grown so much,” she said. “He’s a lot taller than me now.”

If there had been a shared custody system in Japan, “none of this would have happened,” she adds.

She says she is confident the bill will ultimately help eliminate cases of parental abduction, but Mr. Ueno is less optimistic.

He doubts that authorities will actually take action against those who kidnap their children, adding that there are still very few details about how the shared custody system will actually be enforced.

“Frankly, I think it’s a bill without substance,” he says. “How can you enforce joint custody if there is no infrastructure for it?”

Back in Tokyo, Ms. Sato was finally granted regular visits with her children. She now sees her once a month.

She doesn't know much about her life, she says, but she hopes to make up for lost time.

“At least I get the chance to see my children,” she says, smiling through tears.

Additional reporting by Yumi Herman and Chie Kobayashi

*Names have been changed to protect their identities